Four day weekend…

Lol, I just reread this and decided fuck it, I’ll go ahead and click publish on this piece of shit anyway.  Have fun!

Well, that four day weekend went by way too fast, but that’s typical.

C’est la vie I guess, so let’s get on to the business of boring you with my weekend.

St. Louis has a great 4th of July celebration, which is even better when I don’t have to work the event.  The last time I worked it I was standing in the middle of an intersection on Washington Avenue around 10 pm in the still sweltering heat.  It was asshole to belly button with cars not going anywhere because there were thousands of them trying to leave downtown at the exact same time.  I recall some numbnuts rolled down his window to voice his displeasure with me at the gridlock and then asked me if I was in charge of the event.  I laughed and laughed until my stomach hurt before douchey McGee asked me what was so funny.  Uh, well, do you really think if I was in charge of this nonsense that I’d put myself at an intersection on Washington Avenue that was asshole to bellybutton with cars occupied by hot, angry and probably semi drunk fucktards like yourself instead of in the air conditioned command van or something?  Idiot.

Anyway, I was off this weekend and the parade organizers invited police department employees to walk in the parade so the DOAT clan jumped at the chance.  The kids had fun throwing candy at to the onlookers and the wife and I got a little exercise pulling the boys in the wagon for what felt like at least 157 city blocks.

paradin' around downtown...

paradin’ around downtown…

I wasn’t very comfortable during the parade because I didn’t know what the hell I was supposed to do with my non wagon clasping hand.  Do I wave and walk the entire distance with a goofy Ms. USA smile on my face or what?  I didn’t, so I hope I didn’t appear not to be having a fine time, because I was.  It was nice to be applauded when a parade announcer mentioned the police department.  We get to dealing so often with people who are angry because they were in an accident or had something stolen or are suspects being arrested, so it’s nice to have a chance to be around folks when they’re pleasant and at least pretending that they like the police for a change.

The parade is a very good one as far as local parades go, and I think the kids had fun.  If nothing else, it wore the  boys out and that’s always a good thing.

beaten by the heat...

beaten by the heat…

Aside from the parade, there’s a great air show and lots of booths and what not to keep your family entertained.  Here’s a small taste of the start of the air show.  I’m not ashamed to admit that a little Coming to America by Neal Diamond choked me up a bit.  Shut it!

Thursday night we got tanked and shot fireworks because that’s what real ‘Mericans do on the fourth of July!  That wore us out pretty good, so Friday was a good day for a whole lot of nothing so that Saturday we could get after things again.

While we had our carpets cleaned for the first time in the three years we’ve lived in our house, my stupid ass decided to be a kind neighbor and mow not only my own yard (which is far from a regular occurence), but my two next door neighbors’ yards as well.  They were both out of town enjoying the beach while I was not.

As if that wasn’t unpleasant enough, we decided to torture ourselves by cooling off at the Six Flags water park on Saturday afternoon.

Holy fat people with tattoos all over!!  I mean really, I guess I never appreciated how many folks are tattooed all over their bodies with things that aren’t even cool to look at and otherwise make no sense to perfect strangers whatsoever.  One guy had a giant baby’s face tattooed all over his entire back.  In his defense, it did look just like the baby he was holding, but c’mon, just look at a picture for God’s sake!  What if he has another baby?  Where will he find a place to put an equally huge tattoo of another spawn?

Anyway, here’s my gripe for the day.

You can buy what is called a Flash Pass at Six Flags that basically lets you fuck around while not waiting in line until your little pass tells you that it’s nearly your turn to ride so you make your way to the ride in the special Flash Pass line.    Let me tell you how neat it was and how not pissed off I was at the Flash Pass users who kept showing up and getting a raft right away while I was standing in an hour long line with two prattling 10 year old girls surrounded by other fat, sweaty and increasingly aggravated people.  It was awesome!

I shouldn’t have been so judgmental though as there was nothing preventing me from spending $15 more on passes for each of my own clan, but I guess I suck like that.

I will, however, judge the white trash couple who showed up with 12 other people in their group and got to butt in line  not because she had a Flash Pass, but apparently because she was in a wheel chair.  While I know that people can suffer from many debilitating things requiring a wheelchair and look otherwise healthy, this woman was just plain trash.  Her boyfriend who was pushing her around was even worse, and the  others besides them each got progressively worse still.  One may have had a tail even.

They got to butt in line to get not one or two, but six fucking rafts!!  The rafts were coming down one at a time, so we’re talking at least 15 minutes being added to my wait to accommodate these inbreds.  The raft is a large, cumbersome four person number and not easy to carry even with two people doing so.  She had no problem getting out of her chair and carrying it with her man friend the 70 yards they had to walk to get to the eight flights of stairs they climbed on foot with no problems to get to the start of the ride.

FUUUUUUCK!!!!  I thing the heat was making me delirious.

Still, even if she was cripple, the other people most certainly were not.  Well, not physically at least.  They could have waited in line just like the rest of us jerks had to.

Geez, let’s wrap this up, right?  That was the only ride I ventured upon as the boys were too small to ride every single ride in the water park and were driving Wife bonkers while I was away with Ace for the nearly two hours it took to ride that one ride I just mentioned.

Long story short, get a Flash Pass and bring a camera.  I did not and I regret all the photo chances I missed.  Between the fat and the tattoos and the general insanity that comes with any large crowd, it’d been nice to have some pictures to share with you all.  We’re going back next Saturday, so maybe next time.

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56 Responses to Four day weekend…

  1. Mental Mama says:

    Your weekend sounds like it was a hell of a lot better than mine! 🙂

  2. Cordelia says:

    Oh hell, YES, do I relate to the Flash/Fast Pass murderous tendencies! There is nothing like finally getting to the front of the line while standing in the heat of Southern California for 75 minutes with two greasy kids beating the crap out of each other, the weird little turd behind you who has never heard the term “personal space” as he rubs up against you for the 76th time, having to pee so bad you’re considering letting ‘er rip behind the shrub shaped like Mickey Mouse, while you wait to get on Splash Mountain, just as a busload of Asian tourists shows up and gets to cut in front because one of them is on crutches. Makes me want to cut a bitch.

    • aliciabenton says:

      Omg – you made me spit my drink! Hilarious!

    • Oh good, after I posted this I wondered if it was just me who thought the whole idea was stupid. If the kids don’t have to stand in line they’ll never appreciate the true value of this time together! Plus the long lines is a great excuse to not have to ride some of the shitty rides.

      • Cordelia says:

        Unless it’s me with the FastPass and then it’s all “F*ck you suckahhhhhhs!” as I zoom past the hoards.

      • In my head I instinctively said “look at that fuckin’ tattooed bitch and her freakishly tall boy child. I hope they swallow a bunch of piss water!” as you went past me while I waited in line. lol.

      • Cordelia says:

        And I used you as a teachable moment and pointed you out to Freakishly Tall Boy and explained the concept of the caste system to him. “See, Son, some people are higher on the ladder of existence than others….” 🙂

        (I’m totally kidding, I’m usually the one in the sweating, huddled masses being pointed and laughed at by some wealthy bastard and his trophy family.)

  3. aliciabenton says:

    Did you read about the rich NY bitches who hire handicapped tour guides when they go to Disney so they can skip the lines? Reminds me of the P.W.T. you had to wait on at Six Flags…

    http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/manhattan/disney_world_srich_kid_outrage_zTBA0xrvZRkIVc1zItXGDP

  4. juju333 says:

    “Holy fat people with tattoos all over!!”

    Best line ever!

    Yeah, someone recently asked me if I wanted to go to an amusement park. NO Thank you! I really hate standing in lines.

    I too hate carrying a camera and always forget to take pictures even when I do take it. I am so busy enjoying myself. Love the one of the two boys passed out.

    Glad you had a great weekend. I did too!

  5. momtimes4 says:

    Ha Ha Ha!!! This was so funny! Sorry to laugh at your weekend!

  6. Maggie O'C says:

    Water parks….ewwwwww

  7. Christina says:

    You mean you’re going back?! You’re really just an awesome father or just really masochistic…

  8. ardenrr says:

    I don’t think I’m going to tell my nieces that water parks exist. I don’t want to go through that one bit!

  9. Nagzilla says:

    I had to laugh at the Flash pass thing because I was just having this conversation the other day. Andrea went to Six Flags in Texas when she was visiting her aunt and uncle. I was looking over the map/brochure thing and commented on how at least two places in there it mentioned that line cutting was strictly prohibited and could be cause for removal from the park, “unless you buy the Flash pass. Then it’s totally okay.” Until I said it, she didn’t even make the connection that it’s a totally bourgeois way of getting out of waiting your damn turn.

    • Waiting in line is half the fun! Well, at least it makes the kids appreciate your sacrifice a little more, right? No? The flash pass for the ride side of the park is like $42 each! No thanks on that!

  10. Katie says:

    I’m coming to STL for work next week, and your blog has given me incredibly low expectations. I can’t wait.

  11. Lauralynn says:

    First I’ve heard of ‘flash pass’ and it’s stupid and unfair and yet another example of corporations gouging non-stockholding Americans. So there!
    It looks like you had a fun and productive weekend.
    I rode in a pick up truck for our parade. Holding a sign that said ‘ thank you for your support’ even though I am the most ungrateful wretch in the USA and wanted to throw it at most of the people I saw. Assholes abound everywhere. We don’t have fat, tattooed people. That’s not ‘cool’.
    We have the kind of people who will argue about who’s gluten allergy and dairy intolerance makes them sicker and who’s got a ‘clean diet’ and who rode the farthest on their $5,000 bicycle that weekend in front of me, bald and bloated with cancer. I’d bloody well give ANYTHING to merely have an allergy and to be able to walk a block without panting. Assholes. Plus they didn’t even drink any of the wine or beer or Mai Tai’s! Nope. Alcohol is also bad for you…grrrrr.

  12. genext13 says:

    Just remember
    1. The one in the wheelchair will be the first one caught by a hoarde of zombies and as a zombie, she will not be very mobile (zombies can’t operate machinery) so you can double tap her ass without compunction or remorse.
    2. Those tattooed freaks are the front lines in a zombie apocalypse.
    3. You got to watch the show while waiting instead of just standing there being bored.

    • You positivity is refreshing! I must look upon these shenanigans from a different point of view from now on, though I’m not rooting for any zombie happenings for sure.

  13. canigetanotherbottleofwhine says:

    Dude. Hilarious. I laughed out loud at “Shut it!!” and “one may have had a tail even.” omg. And when you take those pics next Saturday, let me borrow some for my Caption contest. I’ll give you full credit and a link to your blog and all the crap. I’m running out of pictures and keep putting up pics of me. Lame. I need some new, good quality stuff.

    • I love that you’re such a laugher! I’ll gladly send you some hoosier pictures! You should use Bertha VonMilkshakes the human door jamb from an earlier post in fact! She’s my favorite.

  14. The Cutter says:

    There’s something about Six Flags that attracts the fattest and ugliest people in the country. Every time I go to the water park at Six Flags America, I feel a lot better about myself.

  15. I’ll never hear Neil Diamond again and not think of you!

  16. Susan Murphy says:

    Hi Don, watched the parade on tv, saw your boys in the wagon being pulled. But don’t think it was your backside they showed pulling the wagon. Unless you are wearing floral prints these days!

  17. AY! Sounds like a nightmare! When I went to Puerto Rico this past February I did notice the insane amounts of people at the beach half naked with mad tattoos! It really did not look one bit appealing.

  18. Daile says:

    I have tattoos all over. But I’m not fat. Is that ok? That Flash pass sounds like a load of bollocks. What has society come to if you can pay not to wait in a line. It’s unAmerican

    • You and your tattooed self in a water park? That is ok, yes. The tattoos would be fine but they looked like they were done in a poorly lit alley by 12 year olds. Plus the fat. So much fat! Perhaps those passes are quintessential American nowadays. Bollocks to that!!

  19. Sounds like a vacation at the local Walmart. Same crowd and nothing moves quickly in the checkout line. The greeters at both venues were probably trained at the same academy. Delightful read. 🙂

  20. mollytopia says:

    Hahaha – six flags is a freak show in GA as well – I love it! Super nice of you to mow the other lawns, but I have to ask why? I love that y’all got all tore up like real ‘Mericans. Well done : )

  21. i am so not going to any water parks, flash pass or not. it’s going to hard though, because you made it sound sooooo appealing.

  22. Go Jules Go says:

    I’m sitting here on my tail until I think of something funny to say about that clan that’s not extremely offensive.

    That line sounds like my hell. My HELL.

  23. What happens when everyone buys a flash pass? Is there a double flash pass that lets you cut in front of all the common flash passers? This is the slippery slope to Sneetches hell.

  24. mistyslaws says:

    I’ll be honest, Don. You are like the 87th person to talk about their fun and relaxing FOUR DAY WEEKEND, while I had to suffer through an entire day of work on Friday, and I kind of want to punch you in the nads.

    As to the water park . . . that seems to be the new thing, charging people for Fast Passes or whatever each park non-copyrightedly calls them. I’m guessing it started in Disney, because they do it, but it’s free there. You just have to get it early, because they run out by early afternoon. But yeah, we went to Hershey Park last week and they had a Quick Pass or some such and it was a ridiculous amount of money for each person. We had 5 people. If you do the math, it would have been approximately a fuckton of dollars. No thanks.

    • Lol, punch me in the nads. That’s classic! The City gave us Friday off even, no wasted Vacation day! Yay me! The fast passes for the ride side of the park are like $42 a person, but it’s only $10 or $15 on the water park side. I may try it next time so I can grab my crotch at all the commoners in long lines and hopefully make somebody’s blog!

  25. Sounds to me like they need a website titled “People of Water Parks”, just like the People of Walmart one!! hahaha

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