Daily Prompt: State of Year Address

Whispers and shhhh’s echo in the room…

“Shhhh, he’s coming into the room!  The big guy is going to speak to us!”

Papers shuffle, throats are cleared and finally, there is silence.

DOAT enters the room to thunderous applause as the crowd looks upon him in admiration and awe.

DOAT: “Thank you, thank you everyone, please…please, thank you!  Thank you!  Thank you very much, please…please calm down…thank you.”

The applause continues….

DOAT: “Thank you…ok, it’s not working.  Fuck!!!!  Ace, please press stop on the cd player already!”

Stop is pressed and the artificial applause finally ceases.  

Wife is rolling her eyes in sync with Ace while G$ smears peanut butter on the wall.  Cool has exused himself to “go potty”.

DOAT: I’ve called this State of the year address to catch us all up on the status of the DOAT empire halfway through this year and to make sure that we’re all on the same page moving forward.  I’d like to start with the…

G$: Neenawg!

DOAT: I’d like to start with the budget since we are…

G$: Neenawg!

Wife laughs…

DOAT: What the fuck is a Neenawg?

G$ “NEENAWG!!!”

Wife: It means corn dog in G$ speak.

DOAT: Now’s not the time, son, we’re having a family meeting and I’d…

G$: “NEENAWG! NEENAWG! NEENAWG!”

DOAT: Sigh….We don’t have any corn dogs right now.

Wife: He doesn’t want a corn dog, he wants one of those breakfast sausages on a stick wrapped in a pancake.

DOAT: Oh, well goddamit, now I want one of those too!

Meeting is put on hold while Neenawgs are nuked and eaten.

DOAT: Very well, now let us continue please.  As I was saying, we….

Cool: What’s that smell daddy?

DOAT: We had some Neenawgs while you were in the potty, son.

Cool: What the fuck is a Neenawg?

DOAT: Hey, watch your mouth!  It’s apparently corn dog in G$ talk.

Cool: We have corn dogs?

DOAT: No, he wanted one of those breakfast things.  Now, as I was saying, we need to…

Cool: Can I have a Neenatch?

DOAT: It’s Neenawg!  Fuck!  Yes, you can have one too.

Ace: I want one now too, daddy.

Wife: Will you bring me some ice water as well, please?

DOAT: Grrrrrrr!!!!!

Water is delivered and Neenawgs are nuked.  All are satiated, momentarily.

DOAT: Very good, now let’s continue.  As I said, I’ve called this family meeting to address the state of our life through the first half of 2013.

The year has gone by pretty fast and a lot of things are changing around here.  Ace has just turned 10 and is about to start her last year of elementary school.  Cool is a big boy now. He is about to start his last year of preschool and has learned to ride a two wheeler and played t-ball for the first time this year.  G$ is still G$, but he’s finally starting to use his words, which is helping to ease some of his frustrations and almost making him tolerable to be around for more than 10 minutes at a time.

The budget looks ok, I think we can finish off the fiscal year right smack in the lower end of middle middle class where we started.  We’re going to have to clean up the budget here though.  Loose ends need to be tied up and some fat needs to be trimmed from our spendi…

Cool: Daddy said fat!  Daddy has a fat belly!

DOAT: SILENCE BOY!!!!

Wife laughs to herself…Wife and Ace roll eyes in sync again…

DOAT: Where was I again?

Wife: You were trimming fat.  From the budget.

DOAT: Ah, yes, let’s get… what is it, Cool??  What the fuck are you crying about?

Cool: Sobbing, You, you yelled at me and it’s all my fault!  It’s all my fault!!!

DOAT: Oh for God’s sake, that wasn’t yelling.  You’re fine, son.  You’re not in trouble!  Still though, it’s not nice to call daddy fat.

Ace: You said that truth is always a defense, dad.

DOAT: SILENCE GIRL!!

Wife excuses herself in a fit of laughter…

Wife: I’m gonna piss my pants!!

DOAT: SILENCE WOMAN!!

Carly: Woof!  Woof!!

DOAT: SILENCE DOG!!!!

The crying and laughing escalates…the barking intensifies and the noise is unbearable.

DOAT: EVERYBODY SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!  Jesus, I knew this was a bad idea during nap time.

G$: NO NAWP, DADDY!  Noo nooo nooo nooo…!!

DOAT: Can everybody please come back to the table?  I had a whole thing written out about what I was going to say and you people are ruining it.

The family reassembles and all are finally quiet.

DOAT:  Finally!  Now, let’s finish this up by discussing where we need to be when….

Ding dong…

DOAT: Jesus Christ…

Ace answers door and returns with Jesus Christ…

Ace: Can Cool and I go out and play with the neighbors?  Who is this guy?  He let himself in?

DOAT: You most certainly cannot go out and…

Wife: Yes, Ace.  Go outside with your brother.

DOAT: How do you not know who Jesus Christ is?  Don’t you pay attention in PSR class young lady??

Ace: Bye dad!

Cool: Bye dad!

DOAT: Jesus!

Jesus: Yes?

DOAT: Why are you here again, Jesus?

Wife: Are we done with this meeting?  G$ needs to go down for a nap.

G$: NO NAWP, Momma! NOooo nooo noo nooo no!

G$ bangs his plate onto the table repeatedly…

DOAT: Oh my God, fine!  We’re done!  Take him away, please!

Wife and G$ disappear to G$’s room.

Jesus: Nice job, Don.

DOAT: What?

Jesus: That was one of your best meetings yet.

DOAT: I know, right?  I think it went pretty well!  You wanna go out front to drink beer and heckle joggers?

Jesus: You read my mind.  How are things going so far this year anyway?

DOAT: Great, Jesus, thank you for asking.  Things have gone really great…

——————————————————————————————-

Daily Prompt: State of Your Year
by michelle w. on July 29, 2013
Write up a mid-year “State of My Year” post.

Photographers, artists, poets: show us NOW.

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42 Responses to Daily Prompt: State of Year Address

  1. djmatticus says:

    Thank you. I’m going to be laughing for the rest of the day, and it’s all your fault… and I was having such a miserable Monday too. Sheesh.

  2. Katie says:

    I think Cool and I would be buddies. This is hilarious.

  3. Christina says:

    Funny and sweet and you have a potty mouth.

  4. Mental Mama says:

    Your posts really should come with a “better go piss BEFORE you read this” warning.

  5. Maybe it’s my Catholic upbringing, but I always expect Jesus to be just a bit more helpful when he shows up at our place. Instead, he’s just another body I have to clean-up after and make dinner for… Maybe it’s because I haven’t offered him beer. I’ve always just given him water and assumed he’d make do for himself, ya know?

    Very funny…as always.

  6. ardenrr says:

    Yes!! The return of JC 🙂 More please!

  7. wahmcat says:

    I love it! I do believe my family meetings would go much the same…sigh.

  8. mollytopia says:

    So glad you’re back!!!

  9. PinotNinja says:

    Hahaha! I always knew Jesus was down with all of that drinking and mocking of others that I’ve been doing.

  10. 1jaded1 says:

    Hi. So funny and I don’t care who you are. My reader doesn’t POP up your posts. Do you have an email option? If not, I will just keep clicking in.

  11. Pingback: Daily Prompt: State of Your Year | flow of my soul

  12. Laura Lynn says:

    HAR! Ya killin’ me, so spot on, the way kids are.
    It’s so funny. I just had a State of the Year address here, too. Such a coincidence! No one listened, they just stared at me or scratched themselves and pretended I wasn’t there. Fuckin’ animals! Why do I even BUY the wet food?

  13. A.J. Goode says:

    Darn it, now I want a Neenawg too!

  14. Daile says:

    Don – you are always the ‘big guy’ in my world. Keep it up. Bollocks

  15. Haha, so glad to see Jesus is back!

  16. I had no idea that you and JC were tight like that!! Phenomenal ….. except now I feel lame because I know he’d never show up to my house. I don’t have the delicious aroma of Neenawgs to entice him.

    This had me chuckling the whole way through. 😀

  17. ksujulie says:

    Hey those breakfast sausages on a stick wrapped in a pancake thingies are the bomb diggity. Do people still say the bomb diggity anymore? Lol. Hilarious.

  18. findingninee says:

    Ha! I want t neenawg please. And also, screw the ice water, I’d like a beer. Hilarious post, dude. You nailed it.
    PS am I supposed to be holding family meetings? Shit. No wonder I didn’t win parent of the year again. And it’s only July. Sigh.

  19. JayNine says:

    ROUND OF APPLAUSE CONTINUES !!!!!! Amazing!!!

  20. Jolene says:

    That was awesome!!! I was laughing so hard!!! GREAT!!! this totally made my morning!!

  21. Sarah Almond says:

    So nice of Jesus to come back for your meeting! I’m going to the State Fair next weekend and am planning on having a couple of Neenawgs myself. I’ll think of you and your family while I’m there! *wink*

    Thanks for hooking up with us this week at the Humor Me Blog Hop, Don!

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