A time i hung with the son of god…

Every post that I’ve written up to this point has been about a situation or event that has really happened.

You decide if this is another one, but shame on you if you think I’m lying.

A man knocked on my door while peering into the sidelight.

I hate unexpected visitors, and I’d have never answered the door normally, but I happened to be right there in the foyer and I had pants on. He was looking right at me when my eyes caught his.

Rats.

He didn’t seem to have pamphlets or to be selling cookies or trying to get me to sign up for his grass cutting service for the summer or wanting to build me a deck like so many other solicitors. He showed me a couple of cold looking Bud Light Limes he was holding through the window and gave me a thumbs up!

This is odd, I thought.

So I opened the door and this guy is standing there in a white tunic looking robe thing.

He didn’t say anything for almost an entire minute, so finally I was like “What do you want?”

“I’d like to hang out with you today, Don.” said the stranger.

“Lot’s of people do, I’m pretty fun. What’s your story?” I asked.

“I’m Jesus.” said the man. “Jesus Christ.”

“From the bible?”

“Yup.”

“You’re taller than I thought you’d be,” I said. “I thought people were shorter in those days.”

“Well, they were, but I’m Jesus, so I can be whatever I want. I’ve chosen to be tall and 1/2 Italian with some Mexican and Irish blood also.” he said. He did have a nice olive complexion and dark, curly hair that any man would envy.

“Oh,” I said. “It’s a nice look. So this is like a second coming?”

“No, no, no! I come to people all the time. I mostly like to appear and hang out with homeless, crazy people though so nobody ever believes them when they say they met me.”

That struck me as funny because once, many years ago, when I was working as a cop, a homeless man I stopped because he was pissing on a public sidewalk told me that Jesus Christ had stolen his last 32 oz can of Miller High Life. He said Jesus looked like a handsome, Italian man and I thought this homeless man was just drunk or crazy.

“Did you once steal a homeless man’s last can of Miller High Life?” I asked.

He laughed a deep belly laugh and uttered “Aahhhhh, that’s funny, Don. Thou shall not steal, am I right?”

Then he put his fist out. For a second, I thought he was going to turn me into a cat or something, but he wasn’t about to do magic, he just wanted a fist bump.

I hate fist bumps, so this Jesus Christ guy was sort of starting to annoy me. Plus, his breath smelled like salami.

“Well, I don’t have any of the kids or the wife in the house, I’m all alone, so this is a good time to hang out I guess, if we have to.”

“I know.” said Jesus. “I did that!”

“Did what?”

“I arranged for you to be home alone today!”

“Nice work, Jesus” I said. “Having a quiet house to myself for a day is one of your finest miracles ever!”

“I knew you’d like that, my son.” he said.

Knowing that there are people out there who purport to be Jesus all the time, whether it be just for the attention or to get 50% off at McDonald’s, or whatever, I wanted proof that this man was indeed Jesus, or at least not totally bat shit crazy.

I told him to wait on the porch and that I’d be back in a few seconds.

I went into the pantry and got a loaf of wheat bread that my wife likes to buy, even though I hate it, because she says it’s good for you.

I brought it to the Mulatto looking man on my front porch and told him that if he were Jesus, then he could turn this shitty bread into wine, or at least into a loaf of Wonder White instead.

He nodded his head as though he understood that I was only being cautious and proceeded to turn that loaf of shitty wheat bread into a gallon jug of Lambrusco Wine.

“No WAY!! You are Jesus! I don’t really care for Lambrusco though and if we’re going to hang out all afternoon and drink, we should probably stick to beer. Last time I got all tanked on wine I told some bald dude that his daughter was a load that he should have put into a gym sock or something like that.”

“Ha ha, I remember that, Don! That wasn’t very nice of you to say, but she should have let you be after you passed out in the hallway of your own house. She forced you to come out and drink some more as though you were some college frat boy instead of a 38 year old man”

“THANK YOU, Jesus! That’s what I think, but still, she’s a sweet woman and I feel bad that I ever said anything so hurtful about her that didn’t involve her lifting weights or running on trails.”

“I understand, my child,” said Jesus, and he turned that gallon jug of wine into a 24 pack of Bud Light Lime.

“Now you’re talking, Jesus!” I fist bumped Jesus again before I even realized what I was doing. Dammit.

“Don’t you ever feel like a bit of a Nancy drinking this stuff?” asked Jesus.

“Oh, I did at first, yes. I used to ask the bartenders if I was the only heterosexual male who ordered this beer while hanging all over my beautiful wife to reinforce my heterosexualness! I got over it though.”

So we drank the Bud Light Limes that Jesus had already showed up with right there on the porch and they were awesome!

“Wow, these taste better than my beers normally do, Jesus. What did you do to them?”

Well, it turns out he didn’t do anything. Jesus has a friend who works at the brewery in Jacksonville and he can get some of the beer that hasn’t been watered down for public distribution yet.

So Jesus and I drank some sweet, non-watered down beer and were ready to hang out.

He said he was a gamblin’ man and wanted to hit a casino and get shitfaced.

“Ok dude, you’re Jesus Christ, so I guess we’ll do that then.”

“Plus I have a Groupon that’s about to expire. I got $40 of pasta dinner for $20 at Cunetto’s House of Pasta.”

I sort of laughed to myself. Jesus is a lot lamer than I’d ever imagined. Groupons? Really? Whatever though, Cunetto’s is pretty good, so I was on board.

I told him that I wasn’t going to be seen with a man wearing sandals and whatever that robe thing was called, and asked him to change clothes.

He said he walked to my house with only the two beers and nothing else.

“Well what the fuck, Jesus? Are you exp…” he interrupted me and asked that I call him Steve for the rest of the day.

“What?”

“I like to be called Steve when I hang out in America.”

“Whatever, STEVE!” I said to the increasingly annoying Jesus person on my porch. “You can borrow some of my old clothes then.”

I found Jesus a tattered Def Leppard concert t-shirt I’d bought in 1989 and not worn since 1989 and was looking for some pants when he asked “Can I wear this?”

I looked over at Jesus/Steve and he was holding one of G$’s little velour tracksuit outfits.

“Uh, that’s my toddler’s outfit, Jackass, how do you intend to….”

“I’m Jesus!” he reminded me while rudely cutting me off. He proceeded to change G$’s little suit into a big boy velour tracksuit.

Jesus put the suit on and looked utterly ridiculous, of course. He looked like an Italian pimp. Worse, he looked like a Sicilian pimp!

So we went back to the porch and stood there for a minute before Jesus asked what we were waiting for.

“I assumed that you would just do something and we’d be at a casino, you know, like the Ghost of Christmas Past or something.”

Nope.

Jesus didn’t have a magic carpet or a broom or anything. We had to drive around in the goddam Xterra.

So we went to the River City Casino because Jesus likes to gamble with Bosnians, and there are apparently always plenty of Bosnians at River City.

He bummed $10 off of me after convincing a door person to let him in without his id (seriously, Jesus, it’s 2013, get a wallet already!) and proceeded to lose it in four seconds flat.

“What are you doing doubling down on two fours, Jesus?”

“I had a hunch.”

Well his hunches sucked all night long and he lost $3000 of my hard earned money before I could convince him that he sucked at blackjack.

I’d never lend that kind of dough to anyone for gambling except for Jesus Christ himself.

We were walking out of the casino, crestfallen, when I pulled a $5 bill from my pocket.

“Hold on Steve, I’m going to blow this last bit of cash in this Wheel of Fortune machine.”

I put the money in the machine and Jesus bowed his head as if in prayer. Before I could even touch the lever, the machine went crazy! Lights were flashing and bells were ringing! Holy crap, We just won $10000!

So we took our winnings and had some fantastic pasta at Cunetto’s with Jesus’s Groupon.

We went back to my place and drank a few more beers while watching some hockey.

“I don’t get this game,” Jesus said.

“Well, it’s a Canadian thing, Jesus,” it takes some getting used to.

We laughed and drank and talked about my family and his inability to find a steady girlfriend, even with the cool magic tricks.

I assured him that he’d do just fine and patted him on his back.

He snapped his fingers and the velour tracksuit was back to its original size.

Unfortunately, Jesus was now standing butt-ass naked on my porch.

“Wow, you really ARE half Italian,” I said, unable to look away from his giant pecker.

It was like a train wreck. Good God, Don, look away!!

I was brought back to consciousness by the sound of my beer bottle falling and smashing onto the porch.

Jesus was again standing in his robe and sandals and I shook his hand.

“I had a fun day, Jesus. Next time you drive.”

“I don’t have a license and I suck at parallel parking, Don, or I would.” he said while walking away from my house.

I watched him walk out of my sight, ecstatic to have been able to spend an afternoon with Jesus.

Then I was also pissed off because, once he was out of my sight, I realized that he never did repay me the money I lent him to gamble with Bosnians that afternoon.

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96 Responses to A time i hung with the son of god…

  1. Amber Perea says:

    Oh. My. Jesus. That was awesome. Quite frankly, the best piece of literature I have ever read on this site full of overt narcissism (including myself, humbly).

    Can you submit pieces for Freshly Pressed? Because I read them all of the time and they aren’t this good.

    You. Rock. Sir.

  2. Mancakes says:

    …. I have been rendered speechless…. Jesus has salami breath and a giant pecker?!!!

    • Well, he’s half Italian for God’s sake! Speechless…i find that hard to believe. And Jesus should be on your Mancakes A list at all times!

      • Mancakes says:

        Honestly, I don’t think I’ll be able to enter a church again for as long as I live without snickering madly under my breath….thanks Don, I’ll wind up in Hell now and it’s your fault. πŸ˜‰

  3. Mancakes says:

    And, Don, Amber is completely right…this better than ANYTHING I’ve read on FP, this is GENIUS!!

  4. This was hilarious! Way to go. Even a straight laced Mormon girl got a few chuckles. πŸ™‚ I agree with previous comments. This should go viral. It really gives me a little insight into your brain and how disturbing it is. Awesome.

    • lol, thank you. This sort of “story” really does kind of sum me up. I am disturbed, but harmless. I’m glad a Mormon can have a sense of humor about Jesus and his antics. He is silly.

  5. 1tric says:

    I didn’t believe in jesus. What a way to find out I’m wrong. If only he could forgive me and come to my place to welcome me to the fold. I’ll be sure to have plenty manky food here he can turn into alcohol!

  6. Le Clown says:

    Don,
    Submitting this to the FP’d gods.
    It has it all…
    Le Clown

  7. Lisa Newlin says:

    Do you think Jesus would do birthday parties? I’m planning my husband’s a party this year and it’s in Vegas, so it will be pricy. I could use a break on buying some alcohol. If he could turn bread into liquor, that would help me out. Does it have to be bread?

  8. Pingback: A better don? Probably not like this…. | don of all trades

  9. Pingback: Paying it forward or some bs like that… | don of all trades

  10. Cas Michelis says:

    awesome. you are cool. i love religious propoganda and i love hating nuisance callers. (I have always wondered why is it that only Christians go knocking door to door selling their faith?)

  11. JayNine says:

    OMGSH lmao ok I don’t know how u ran across my blog n left me a like–you’re a freakin genius! This is great stuff! I have followed you and I’m so excited to see more! Happy Trails You are amazing! JayNine!

    • Ha! Genius! Well hello new most favorite person in the world! Lol. Most who know me would dispute that, but thank you. There’s a fine line between genius and crazy I guess.

      • JayNine says:

        I think it sounds more like a perfect BALANCE of genius and crazy LMAO!!! It’s a perfect fit. Look forward to much more good times. Be well.

  12. Mancakes says:

    Yo, monkey…permission to reblog this?

  13. Mancakes says:

    Reblogged this on mancakes..the blog and commented:
    Do you like to laugh? Are you tough enough to endure a little blasphemy to achieve that laugh? Of course you are, you wouldn’t be at Mancakes if you weren’t just about the coolest cat around! This is my friend Don’s post about killin’ time with Jesus and it’s a Mancakes Must Read! So please obey, kick your feet up and get ready to fall in love with and follow Don of All Trades. His blog is blast; you will thank me for this! Disclaimer: Mancakes the Blog will not be held responsible for any damage to computers due to beverages shooting out of your nostrils as you try to contain your laughter.

  14. Ha ha this was such a wonderful post. I had great fun reading it πŸ™‚ Awesome, Don!

  15. Reblogged this on Behind the Booze and commented:
    Ha! a fun story. If you run into Jesus keep an eye on your miller high life–

  16. Look away Don!! That was excellent shit!! Way better than Bud Light Lime ever thought about being!!

    • What’s with all the BLL haters? Embrace the taste!! Even if one does have to drink about 29 of them to get hammered. Lol. I’m glad you liked my Jesus adventure. He’s pretty swell for a cheap douche.

      • I have drank Bud Light with a lime in it, and it far exceeds the fake limey flavor of BLL. Hell, I don’t even like Bud Light! I used to be a die hard Coors Light drinker, but went low-carb about 6 months ago, so it’s Miller Lite all the way baby. . .every once in awhile with a side of red.

        I like to picture Jesus in a tuxedo t-shirt. . . . .but the velour jogging suit was totally funny!! lol

      • Coors Light? Miller Lite? We may be getting to the root of your relationship issues…

        Miller Lite is worse than stank baby breath!

        In a tuxedo tshirt? Like the dude from Talladega Nights? Rock on, Jesus!! Lol.

      • I am from Kansas, it is a land of rednecks who drink Bud Light minus the lime. If a guy drank that shit around here, it would garner an ass kicking! lol The guys at work are telling me I need to be contented with pigeons, even though I am hunting ducks. It’s a strange analogy we were discussing one day at lunch, and it probably deserves a blog entry. I am so lucky that my disastrous love life is the topic of lunchtime conversation! lol

      • Well I’m just glad to hear that people in Kansas talk about stuff other than Jayhawk basketball.

      • I think right now the talk is about Shocker basketball instead! lol I really don’t talk about sports at all. I have better things to do with my time, like watching Talladega Nights about 20 times in a row!!

      • Lol…I wrote a post that had something about the dinner scene in it not too long ago. Is that how you find my junk? ha! I said my junk!

      • I’m all hopped up on Mountain Dew!! Why are we talking about your junk?? hahaha

  17. That is an awesome story!! Thanks.

  18. Pingback: DAILY PROMPT: THIRD FROM THE TOP “A man knocked on my door while peering into the sidelight” | Everything under the sun!

  19. LOL. Loved this! Great story- had me hooked and laughing throughout the whole thing. Love how Jesus could turn bread into wine and the track suit into a velour suit yet couldn’t spirit ya’ll to the casino. I bet he didn’t even pitch in for gas…

  20. sassypanties says:

    So we were supposed to report back to you whether we felt this was a true story or not? Dude. You can’t make this shit up. I’m convinced. You and your smokin’ hot wife and kiddos should meet the hubs and my kiddos and me in Maui in August and we can help you spend that $10k. πŸ™‚ Seriously hilarious and certainly glad our paths crossed in this overwhelmingly vast media outlet.

  21. Pingback: Sunshine Award? Moi?? Wow. | sassypanties

  22. Pingback: l,500 Followers – A Thanks | The Dimwit Diary

  23. Nicholiovich says:

    Now I understand why us ladies howl Jesus’ name while being nailed in the sack (or anywhere nailable, really). Thank you for having enlightened me with that realization.

    I absolutely adored this article and am grateful to Dimwit for having publicizing you, otherwise I never would have stumbled upon such awesome.

    http://www.nicholiovich.wordpress.com
    Do visit sometime, when you aren’t taming your children or chilling with historical legends.

  24. Pingback: β€œβ€˜When are you planning to return to earth?’ β€˜Soon as I finish this coffee,’ says Jesus. β€˜Pretty good, isn’t it.’” ~Garrison Keillor | Alicia Benton

  25. Pingback: I was late to work this morning, and it wasn’t my fault!! | Dad, It's ok!

  26. Pingback: An Uninteresting Post Not About My Vagina | ihaveanopinionidliketoshare

  27. Dude. Just……dude.

  28. Julie DeNeen says:

    Aside from a few slightly off errors, the Jesus you met might be like the one that’s in the Bible!

  29. canigetanotherbottleofwhine says:

    You crazy. He didn’t give you any of that 10 grand?

  30. Sarah Almond says:

    I’m a bit surprised at Jesus’s choice of recreational activity there, but not surprised at all that he’d come hang with you Don! πŸ˜‰

    Thanks for linking up with the Humor Me Blog Hop. Come back again, wontcha please?

    • We make a pretty bad ass team, Sarah!! You’d like him because he, like me, loves Boba Fett! Sorry for the better late than never comment…hope all is well! Did you ever make it to visit STL??

  31. ttoombs08 says:

    Were you channeling Zach Galifianakis? This was stinkin’ funny, Don! πŸ™‚

  32. Pingback: 100 posts ‘n stuff… | don of all trades

  33. Loved this post, but as an Italian, should I be offended that you think we all smell like salami!?

  34. Hank says:

    This may be the best thing I have ever read, outside of my own stuff, of course.

    Seriously, very well done. That means something because I almost never celebrate other writers’ accomplishments, especially in public.

  35. Apparently my other comment was deleted. I blame the NSA, of course.

    This is the best thing I’ve read outside of my own stuff, of course. (If my first comment shows up that joke is going to seem desperate and lame because I said it the first time as well but why did I explain this to you if I . . . I’ve come too far.

    I don’t celebrate other writers, especially publicly, but this was very well done. Salut!

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  38. REDdog says:

    So, I learned a lot here Don. You are hilarious. You have some of the smartest, best looking women in the blogosphere hanging out with you. And, you’re fucking hilarious! Anyway, for what it’s worth, I believe the whole story, I’ve got 4 jaded, old guardian angels and they tell me about what “Steve” gets up to all the time. Too cool, Dude. Red

  39. I’m impressed, I must say. Seldom do I encounter a blog that’s both educative and interesting,
    and without a doubt, you have hit the nail on the head.
    The problem is someyhing too few people are speaking intelliyently about.
    I am very happy that I found this during my search for something
    relating to this.

  40. Florene says:

    Excellent, what a web site it is! This webpage presents valuable information to us, keep it up.

  41. Katharina says:

    Thank you a lot foor sharing this with all people you really understand what you’respeaking about!
    Bookmarked. Kindly also consult with my website =).
    We may have a link exchange arrangement between us

  42. Spanish Lake Leroy says:

    Just came across your blog Don, and I’m very glad I did. You have a trainload of storytelling talent and a beautiful heart! I hope very much that eventually you put together a separate book or an anthology, or perhaps a novel! Perhaps after your 20 yrs. is up a career as a writer could bring a nice income. Best wishes as I read more.

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