The buddhists are ruining christmas for christians…

I have no desire to criticize my daughter’s orthodontist because he’s my wife’s cousin and he put my daughter in a set of braces for a price that can’t be beat.

Her teeth were all over the place when he threw some braces on them at an age I didn’t realize they could do it at. I think she was six or just seven years old when she got them.

They were brutal...

They were brutal…

Today, they are much better.

Ace in a retainer only now...

Ace in a retainer only now…

Alas, during a ride to the office for one of her many checkups, Ace shared with me that the orthodontist’s office was having a raffle for a brand new iPad and she was really excited to win it.

“Oh,” I said. “Well, good luck with that. I hope you win too.”

She was very nonchalant in responding that it would still be ok if she didn’t win, because it’s nearly Christmas and she’d just ask Santa to bring her one instead.


While our kids are definitely spoiled and we love them very much, we don’t $400 or more for a single gift item love them. We’ve always made that clear.

“Oh, Santa can’t bring you one of those, honey. No iPads from Santa, sorry,” I said without even thinking.

“Why not?” She wasn’t being pushy about it at all, and it’s in moments like this when I wonder if my daughter is fucking with me (I’ve had this same thought since this conversation too with respect to that stupid elf).

Part of me thought that she knows about the whole Santa thing and just wanted to hear what I’d pull out of my ass, but there was still the very real possibility that my eight year old still believed, and I had to think of something either way.

“The Buddhists,” is what I blurted out.

“What?” Ace asked.

“What?” My mouth asked, also curious as to what the brain was up to.

You see, Santa Claus and the North Pole have an exclusive contract with Buddhists and so he can’t deliver Apple products to Christians. The Buddhists have been around hundreds of years longer than the Christians, so really it’s just a familiarity thing at this point. Plus, I think the titanium, uranium, dipthalium used to make the processors is found abundantly in India and China, so…there’s that too.

“I got an iPod from Santa last year,” the little shit reminded me.

“So, I said that he couldn’t deliver iPADS.”

“No, you said Apple products, daddy. I heard you.”

Jesus, I thought. It always surprises me when anyone actually listens to anything I say, let alone my kids when I’m talking out my ass, but luckily, we had just pulled into the lot for the appointment and I was able to distract her by telling her to make sure she had whatever it was she needed for the appointment.

I spent much of her appointment time preparing for follow up questions such as how to respond to her inevitable request to convert to Buddhism or why some of her friends would no doubt get an iPad when they weren’t Buddhists either, but she must have lost interest and never did bring it up again.

This year though, she’s after an iPad mini. She’s such a good kid and I may or may not have borrowed $150 from her account at some point this year, so there’s a slight chance it could happen should all the stars align.

Whether or not she remembers our conversation, I’m not sure, butย I’ve dusted off my old contract law book to brush up on contract amending and why it made business sense to Santa to expand his iPad distribution area, just in case.


What say you? We spend an inordinate amount of time lying to the kids about the elf and Amazon boxes in the foyer and Santa. Is there a point in time when it’s easier to just tell the kid that the whole Santa thing was a hoax created to make them behave better or wait until they’ve figured it out on their own? I never cared as a kid and believed in Santa until I got married at 29 and the gifts stopped magically appearing. Do your kids still believe?

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79 Responses to The buddhists are ruining christmas for christians…

  1. Testing. Where’s the damn comment box?

  2. The Cutter says:

    I can just picture you stumbling over that conversation. And sadly, I can imagine myself doing the same one day.

    As for Santa, I think a lot of parents finally get tired of making stuff up and spill the beans.

  3. findingninee says:

    Haha! The Buddhists?!?! I’m stealing this gem of hilarity when I don’t wanna get something for my loved ones. It makes sense, really. And it’s kinder than telling Ace that some 6-year olds work a lifetime in sweatshops for less than an ipad costs.

  4. Cheryl says:

    I have never, ever admitted to my kids that Santa doesn’t exist. When they asked me if there really was a Santa, I would reply, “If you believe in Santa, he will come. If you don’t, he won’t.” My kids are 20 and 25, and Santa still comes to our house. Every now and then they still yank my chain and ask and I still give them the same reply. And they laugh and insist they still believe in Santa, so, even though they’re in their 20’s, Santa still leaves them presents. I just don’t have the heart to tell them, even though I know they KNOW. Yeah, I’m silly like that.

    One day when my daughter was little, the neighbour’s brat told her that there was no Santa. His mom was Santa and put gifts under the tree. When she told me that I replied, “Well, of course she has to put the gifts under the tree. He doesn’t believe in Santa so Santa won’t stop there. That’s why his mom has to do it.” Worked for her! LOL!

  5. Kids ask the best questions. I never wanted to tell my kids that Santa didn’t exist. It was so much fun spreading the reindeer food in the back yard and leaving the milk and cookies out for Santa. I still buy them gifts from Santa.
    The Buddhist comment is very funny:)

  6. Yay! I can leave my comment now. And, is that conversation real? ๐Ÿ™‚

  7. samara says:

    We’re Jews. We have Hanukkah Harry. Or we did – until my ex blew it and let my kid see him slip money under his pillow for a tooth. Then the truth was out – “there’s no tooth fairy, no Santa, no Hannukah Harry. It’s just you guys.”
    Great. They I had to worry he would go into 3rd grade and be “The Jew Who Destroyed Christmas.” Just what I needed for the holidays – a cross burning on my lawn. But he kept his pie hole shut. Little fucker.
    Digging the blog!

    • I love comments that could be posts of their own and that you’re Jews! Lol. I think I met a Jew in real life once but I didn’t know about Hanukkah Harry. We almost blew the whole tooth fairy thing but it was during the elf season so the two forces occupying the same space story I wove was pretty epic as well! Thanks for the compliment on my shitty blog. I’ll be checking yours out soon!

  8. Anonymous says:

    My boy has been calling us out on it for the last two years. We just keep telling him that kids who don’t believe in Santa get socks and underwear. He’s almost 8, and if he’s smart he’ll stop asking. The gifts from Santa have been getting fewer and less costly. I decided mom and dad should take credit for the expensive gifts.

  9. Daile says:

    Those darn Buddhists! Thank Christ Bixby doesn’t want an iPad for Christmas, I might have to sell a kidney. I have a feeling Ace is a clever one and may realise her Dad is full of sh*t

  10. My daughter was asking way too many questions (when she was 5) and I hate lying, so I ended her childhood right there and then and stepped back to see how much therapy she’d need. She was delighted – she found the whole thing suspect from the start. I was pleased to stop making up stupid answers and we got on with things…until I got a call from a parent whose child had been informed by mine that “his mom was lying to him”. I felt pretty awful and we then had to talk about not sharing our household “traditions” with other kids who might like to believe in Santa.

    • lol! It’s probably hard for a kid who knows to keep that secret. I like your honest approach, really. We spend so much time lying about Amazon boxes, elves and Santa that I start to feel guilty about the whole holiday season at some point. Thanks!

  11. Christina says:

    Buddhists. You are a clever one : ) I’m just wondering though, my kids have never questioned the existence of Santa. Are they just morons?

    • To say that Richie IS their father is probably mean. Lol. No, they’re perfect. Ace has been getting conflicting info from a kid or kids at school for a couple of years now. Probably peanut allergy kids if I had to guess.

      • Christina says:

        You have a point about Richie siring my kids, but I’d always hoped that my alcoholic slightly mentally unstable genes would win out over his materialistic, narcissistic, douchebag laden genes. Oh dear God my kids are screwed!!!
        Any kid who ruins it for the rest of them should be whipped with an extremely long twizzler. Just my two cents.

      • Bah! You’re Italian, right? They’ll be awesome.

  12. From what I understand, Buddhists and Canadians are cut from the same cloth … and they’re the ones to blame for all the woes of the world. I learned that on South Park, so I know it must be true.

  13. I scarred my daughter for life by assuming she knew about Santa when she really didn’t. I completely spoiled part of her childhood (even if it is a hoax)! I’m pretty sure she is still mad at me. OOps.

    • Oh you didn’t??!!

      That even makes me sad. It’s one thing for a kid at school to ruin it, but mom?? Shame!! lol. I’m sure she still loves you. Is this the volleyball stud? Maybe that helped her aggression on the court. She may picture your face every time she whacks that ball.

  14. PinotNinja says:

    Ace is definitely messing with you. She knows that truth but also understands that if you don’t believe, you don’t receive. She’s going to hold on to this farce as long as she can to avoid the dreaded Christmas where all you get is clothes and school supplies.

  15. ksujulie says:

    I swear Emma knows. I have the worst poker face. I have considered videoing myself acting surprised when the kids find the elf every morning. She knows. I know she knows.

  16. bethteliho says:

    I think the justification you pulled outta your ass was quite clever actually. It’s way better than the ridiculous crap my kids have to believe after hours of questions about the elf, or Santa, or the reindeer, or whatthefuckever.

    Just tonight my 9yo saw a commercial that showed toys on sale, and parents purchasing these items *and placing them in children’s stockings*
    Uhhh…did the marketers forget that little people don’t know parents put that shit in the stocking? I got hit with questions immediately! I told him that parents put the boring stuff like socks and underwear, but Santa puts all the fun stuff. GAH!

    We try to keep gifts within a strict $$ limit with the boys. And we always go over it. Every year. But not grossly over….like freakin’ Brangelina over. Just like $100 over. The stuff they want is so expensive now that they’re getting older!

    • Lol. Brangelina over would be excessive. Yeah, we go over as well. Thankfully, my wife is more frugal and willing to say enough when we get to that point. Thanks, Beth. You rock.

  17. Three Time Loser says:

    I think my friend handled it the best with her kids. Starting from when they were babies, ‘Santa’ would come on Christmas eve but would only bring them one gift each – wrapped, of course in Santa paper. The rest, mom explained, were from mommy & daddy. Santa’s gift was never the biggest, or necessarily the most expensive, but it’s kept the kids from being too greedy or anxious about Santa’s impending visit. He also filled their stockings and of course ate the cookies the kids left out for him.

    • Of course in the cookies. That’s a really great approach, honestly. I mean come on, how many bikes and electric cars could he fit in his sleigh, magic or not? We may steal this approach for the little guys.

  18. elihawkins6 says:

    Smooth, sir. ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Thanks! Lying to kids just comes naturally for some reason. Lol.

      • elihawkins6 says:

        Ha. My husband and I don’t have kids…. but that doesn’t stop us from visiting the Zoo and telling the kids around us that Giraffe tongues are black because they drink the blood of the elderly and that flamingos have been known to mistake small children for plants.

  19. ha! blame the Buddhists. And yeah, a distinction between iPad and iPod is huge! what didn’t she understand? sheesh.

  20. As long as Santa is a better disciplinarian than I am, he stays. And we have an elf but we’ve never taken him out of the box because, frankly, we’re afraid of him:

  21. The Hook says:

    My daughter has moved past the Santa phase, but her heart is eternally youthful so she’ll always be open to the power of possibilities.
    I wish I had her youthful optimism.

  22. I am DYING laughing!! This answer is so fantastic I can’t even stand it. I am DEFINITELY stealing it to explain the lack of iPad Air on Christmas morning! :)-Ashley

  23. Oy! My 8yo is asking for an iPod mini as well… when unicorns fly out of Santa’s ass!

  24. djmatticus says:

    My parents always had a spending limit on what came from Santa… and they made sure the most impressive gift always came from them, rather than the big man from up north. Santa was always just a bonus to the whole occasion rather than the main attraction.

  25. modeejae says:

    When my oldest was little, maybe 5 or 6, we were in the car going 70ish down the freeway when she looks at me and says “Mom, Auntie told me about sex. And that Santa is dead.” O.O
    Holy crap!!! I about ran off the road! I later had a discussion with Auntie and informed my little beauty that when you stop believing in Santa he stops bringing you presents. She’ll be 20 in a couple weeks and she still gets a present from Santa every year.

  26. This was hilarious. I laughed from the gut. Your explanation was along the lines of my response to why people have to die. I told my son that if people didn’t die the earth would be too heavy to rotate and we’d either be stuck in daytime or nighttime. Plants and animals would die and we wouldn’t be able to survive. He’s never comeback for a better explanation. Surely he knows that’s not the case now. He will be nine by Christmas and it’s really difficult for me now to even utter the word Santa because he asks too many questions about EV-ER-Y-THING! As it is it’s been difficult explaining why ALL the presents were from Santa at his friends house, whereas here Santa only leaves one present. The rest are from us and everyone else.

  27. LOL! I suppose that wouldn’t work on my kids because we have a Buddha statue on the fireplace mantle right next to the tree…. I suppose I could tell mine that only Hindus get iPads… If anything, you could tell your kids that Santa was doing some selective marketing area research.

    • Lol! I remember I had also told her that Santa has no control over production, only delivery or something. It’s really hard to keep up with all the fibs once they become so entangled. Happy Holidays, right?

  28. Heather says:

    I do the same โ€œIf you believe in Santa, he will come. If you donโ€™t, he wonโ€™t.โ€ thing. However my 8 year old can push the limits. At least your kid is asking for something that freaking exists. My daughter went into great deal about some kind of robot baby, one that eats, sleeps, grows etc. – basically the same as a human only with an off button. When informed such things didn’t really exist yet I was informed “Santa can make one if he thinks I would really like it.” I’m going to blame the Buddhists when it doesn’t happen.

    • Hahaha, I love kids like yours who try to push mommy to drinking. Lol. I like the if you believe, he’ll come thing. We’ve sort of told Ace that so she at least doesn’t overtly disbelieve.

  29. You crack me up. I love your quick thinking. On the Santa thing, we’ve never done it. We’ve always said that Santa wasn’t real. I know – boohoo party-poopers! We hoped it would keep them less focused on gifts. Ha! Fat chance. They still want it all and believe their rich aunt will come through. Somehow my 7yo is still insistent that Santa is real. This year, he’s concerned that Santa won’t be able to get in the house through the chimney bc the fireplace is blocked by all my “crap.” I don’t know where he gets this stuff from. Too much TV. Btw, your daughters’s teeth look beautiful. We go to the ortho tomorrow. We’ve already been going for 4 years and probably will for the next 18 years, no exaggeration.

    • Sigh to the orthodontic work. I never git the braces I needed, but my wife had a teeth thing so I’m guessing all three will have them at some point. Thanks, Kate! And shame on you for outing Santa.

  30. mamamlk says:

    Way to pull that one out of your butt!!! We watched Tim Allen’s The Santa Claus with Lil C and Lil S and Lil C asked me “if Santa can magically make a chimney and fireplace appear for him to come down…why did you have to give him a key at our old apartment?” Yes… The lil punk remembered a convo from years ago when he asked how Santa delivers presents to our apartment. My response to this new question…. ” well….apartments and houses are different honey!”

    The things parents say! ๐Ÿ™‚

    • The little bastards sure are selective about what they remember, aren’t they? I truly don’t know if Ace knows; she plays it pretty cool. Lol. I hope you and the little ones have a great Christmas.

  31. mamamlk says:

    And….Both of mine believe, but Lil C is 5 and Lil S is 3! ๐Ÿ™‚

  32. The truth is there is a Santa Claus. Don’t @#$% with me. ๐Ÿ™‚

  33. gimpet says:

    I decided not to participate in Santa as a real figure. He was a representation of Christmas. Licence therefore to tell them anything under the sun as “representation of Christmas” was greek to their little minds……so I got out of telling them “the truth”.

  34. I got nothing…except maybe a little humor in return.

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