FTSF…dumbest post ever? let’s hope it doesn’t get much worse!

Ok, so I wrote this below post while I was obliterating a twelve pack of Bud Light Lime last night. Don’t you judge me!

It’s a FTSF post. Against my better judgment, I’m going to post it even though I recognize it to be um, not my best work? Let’s go with that.

Here’s the sentence:

We can either be traditional or non-traditional in the way we do things, I…

I don’t have a clue where to go with this, so I’ll just start typing.

It’s a little after 9pm, and, as per tradition, I have missed the kickoff to Finish The Sentence Friday once again.

I’m pretty buzzed right now. I came home from work and had some cold ones while the Blues were on television beating the Rangers. The Blues are the local NHL (hockey) team, for those of you who are women or girly men or people who don’t reside in Canada. Ha, that whole sentence reeks of political incorrectness, but it’s staying.

That’s pretty traditional for a middle aged man, right? Coming home from a long day at work to drink and watch sports? Being politically incorrect is also a tradition with the men in my family, so there’s that as well.

Wife had a hair appointment this evening. That meant I was stuck with my blessed to have some alone time with the kids tonight.

First things first, we had a traditional funeral for a lost loved one. I’m sorry for the graphic depiction of the deceased’s insides spewing out, but the embalmer was terrible.

This poor chap was apparently left in the freezer the night before when I may or may not have also been drinking. I mean it was a Wednesday, right? Celebrating days that end in a “y” by drinking beer is sort of another tradition I have.

Yes, I'm aware that I have a problem.

Yes, I’m aware that I have a problem.

There were 57 varieties of leftovers in the refrigerator, but the kids coaxed me into making spaghetti for dinner.

While I’d like to believe that it’s because they love my cooking, I know the truth is that they simply wanted it to take longer for me to get dinner on the table because they were involved in a pretty intense game of something or other on the Wii.

I fed and bathed the little buggers. I rubbed their little bodies with lotion, even though I hate the feel of lotion all over my skin. I got their hair and teeth brushed, corralled all the necessary accouterments, such as G$’s precious brown blanket, and chucked them all into bed without any resistance.

The kids were really good tonight and I still find myself sitting here wondering just how in the flaming fuck single parents do what I just did everyday and not lose their mind?

Even with good kids, I’m exhausted, both mentally and physically. Plus, there’s still work to be done.

That pot of spaghetti and all these plates aren’t going to clean themselves.

Part of our tradition is that while one of us puts the kids to bed, the other cleans up the dinner mess. I could leave it for the wife I guess, since I did put the kids to bed. Cleaning dishes is traditionally woman’s work anyway, right?

I could almost hear your buttholes pucker upon reading that last sentence, ladies! Haha!!

I could totally do that, but wife would maybe put her foot in my ass and not participate in conjugals with me for an undetermined amount of time, so I guess I’ll clean them up. Sigh…

Seriously, how do you single parents do this shit? I also have to go online and order Ace’s yearbook and fill out paperwork for her middle school registration. Had wife not reminded me of this, it wouldn’t get done. I probably wouldn’t know anything about any of it to know to get it done. Were I a party of one raising these kids, it would be anarchy.

This post has gone terribly astray from anything to do with traditional or nontraditional anything, hasn’t it?

Let’s get back to that and wrap this piece of garbage up.

I would say that I’m more of a traditionalist than not.

I think American League baseball is shitty and will openly complain when the National League is forced to implement the designated hitter rule.

I only vacation where there is sand and sun and water. That’s a tradition I got from my own parents.

Don’t get me wrong, I love people who visit civil war sites or snow topped mountains instead of the beach on vacation, because there’s more room on the beach for my cooler and I, but it ain’t for me.

I like traditional holidays with family and I generally loathe major change of any kind.

It saddens me to see old neighborhoods in my city turning into blighted shitholes because nobody cares about them anymore. Seeing once proud churches and schools and businesses boarded up, never to be used as they had been before, just makes me a little nostalgic and sad.

Maybe longing for the way things were isn’t tradition, but I sometimes do. Maybe what I’m talking about is just habit or something that’s comforting only because it’s familiar.

I find myself doing the same things for and with my kids that my parents did for and with me.

They play the same sports that I played growing up.

We live in a cul-de-sac, just like I did as a child.

Is any of that stuff really tradition? Maybe not, but this is my space to write what I want, so, in keeping with tradition, I’m going to click publish anyway.

——————————————————————————————-

This has been a Finish the Sentence Friday post. The sentence is “We are both traditional, and non-traditional. I…” Today’s sentence was brought to you by Jean, of Mama Schmama. Her extra cool prize is that tonight, she’s a co-host, too! Go show her some love!

Finish the Sentence Friday
Hosts:
Janine: Janine’s Confessions of a Mommyaholic
Kate: Can I get another bottle of whine?
Stephanie: Mommy, for Real
Kristi: Finding Ninee

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70 Responses to FTSF…dumbest post ever? let’s hope it doesn’t get much worse!

  1. NotAPunkRocker says:

    Are we not supposed to judge on how much you drank or what you drank? Because one doesn’t bother me, the other does (lime? really?).

    How do we single parents do it? Caffeine and adrenaline. I’ll crash when he is out of college.

  2. So wrong about the DH … so very, very wrong. But, then that was probably just the beer talking. And, of course, NL teams are perfectly free to have their pitchers bat in the DH slot during interleague play … nothing stopping them. Hmmm … wonder why they don’t?

    • The Cutter says:

      Agreed. I don’t see the appeal of having pitchers bat. People act like bunting is this marvelous thing and the world would be a much worse place without it. I’d rather see another good hitter instead.

    • Baseball is a kids’ game. You get 9 kids and the other side gets nine kids and ya play ball. Everyone gets to bat and multiple kids get to pitch if the first kid wears out or wants to play another position. Nobody is forced to sit on the bench and wait to only take his turn batting. It’s barbaric. Would I rather watch Adam Wainwright batting with a man on second base not knowing whether he was going to swing away or bunt rather than watching a DH bat? Yes, I honestly would. The better the DH, the more likely the pitcher is going to walk him in that situation. Yawn…

  3. rossmurray1 says:

    I’ve never seen a train un-wreck before. This turned out pretty well in the end, sir. You’re a good dad.

    • Hahaha, thanks, Ross. It was pretty ugly there for a bit, wasn’t it? You’re an ok dad yourself, sir. Driving in the snow to risk life and limb for an athletic event is brave dadding, my friend.

  4. Paul says:

    Traditional: What do the Blues and Billy Graham have in common? They are the only ones who can get 20,000 people to jump to their feet and yell – “Jesus Christ!”

    Non-traditional: I accidentally left my car unlocked when I parked on Bloor Street the other day. When I returned, the driver’s door was ajar and I realized I had left my ticket for that night’s Blues game on the dash. I rushed up to the car, fearing the worst, and sure enough, there were now two Blues tickets on the dash.

    Couldn’t resist – with love from a Sens fan

    • Cheryl says:

      You parked on Bloor Street? In Toronto? How the heck did you get a parking space on Bloor St?! Can’t be done. You must have horseshoes up your butt. But at least you’re not a Leafs fan. LOL

    • Hahahaha, I love the tickets on the dash bit. Yeah, the Blues are painful to follow, but we love ’em here. The first round playoff exits are infuriating though.

  5. I wasn’t offended until you spoke poorly of American League baseball. Oh, and I am a woman, not from Canada, who plays hockey! Total freak, I know. 😉 But… great post! At least you posted something. I think I’ve only participated in one FTSF once because all of the other prompts have stumped me!

    • You need to get on the FTSF ball, ma’am! How cool that you play hockey! There are a lot of women getting on board with it. My own kids won’t be playing it though. It’s too expensive and the hours to get ice time are brutal!

  6. markbialczak says:

    This was really a great post, Don. Drink more Bud Light Limes, not less.

    In one post, the moral lubricants urged you to unleash these unforgettable phrases:

    How in the flaming fuck

    Your buttholes pucker

    Put her foot in my ass

    Turning into blighted shitholes

    Such vivid imagery! These are direct quotes, phrases I cannot use in my own blog because I’ve never, ever sat down to write with a dozen BL Limes in the bag.

    In conclusion: How in the hell did you two baseball clowns take from this colorful traditional/non-traditional post that what you wanted to comment about was the DH?!

  7. I’m over the Bud Light thing (some people just can’t be helped), and I’m with you on the DH, but I’ll take a battlefield over a boring beach filled with unsightly human overhang any day.

    • I can’t be helped for sure, buddy, but thanks for trying. I do like the idea of visiting a civil war battlefield, just not as a part of my vacation. Maybe if it was near the beach we could walk over to it for a bit, but not so much otherwise…

  8. Now, I know what I need to do more of when I write my posts for FTSF and that is drink, because I too had another week struggling with the sentence a bit and finally came up my post and hit the publish button myself, too!

  9. Cheryl says:

    Don, Don, Don… ~shakes head~ Soooooooo politically not correct. Which is probably one of the reasons I love reading your blog. LOL! And there are three women in my family that not only watch, but PLAY hockey and are darn good at it. But then, we’re Canadain. LOL!

    • You Canadian broads sound like a lot of fun, Cheryl! Are there fistfights at a lot of family get togethers?

      • Cheryl says:

        Well, not in my particular family. We pretend to be civilized. LOL! But my cousin married into a… shall we say “feisty”… family and they had to have a “rent-a-cop” at the wedding, you know, to keep the peace. That was a first for me. LOL!

  10. Sounds like you had quite the Thirsty Thursday!

  11. barbtaub says:

    Don, you’re my hero. You parent, work, cook, do dishes in (rightful) fear of endless sofa sentry, AND hold compassionate last rights for lime soldiers fallen in the line of duty: you’re a true renaissance man.

    • Hahahaha, renaissance man. Yeah, that’s the first thing most people think when they hear donofalltrades! i do miss that fallen bud light lime though. Thanks, Barb! How goes the mother/daughter book writing/selling?

  12. Twindaddy says:

    DH sucks!!! And you should totally post drunk more often.

    PS. I know how the Blues are, but I don’t really care for hockey. Does that make me a semi-girly man?

  13. Blogdramedy says:

    There is nothing wrong in finding comfort in the familiar.
    For example…after 12 bottles of Bud Light Lime, your comfort zone probably features a toilet with the seat up. *grin*

    • I like to do my business with the seat down, ma’am! Unless you mean vomiting, in which case the toilet is never an option. I am a terrible terrible puker. Everywhere but the toilet…sigh.

  14. Jean says:

    I read this while wearing my Blackhawks sweatshirt that I bought the year they won the Stanley Cup. Not that time in 2013. It was 2010.
    I was a semi-single parent for part of last year and when my son was one. That shit is hard and I have tons of respect for those who do it. You say this post sucked but I liked it a lot.

  15. Julie says:

    I puckered. Get your ass in the kitchen and do the dishes.
    I, too, do not believe in “cold” vacations.

  16. Thank god you didn’t totally give up the BLL!! 😉

  17. tric says:

    That is a funeral I’d like to be at!

  18. Dana says:

    I am impressed, Don. If I just started typing at 9 pm there is no way I would have come up with anything this good. Seriously. Unless I downed five Bud Light Limes – then I’d write something brilliant.

  19. rynolexson says:

    You are so untraditional it’s traditional. Thanks for the post which wasted five minutes of my life. Just kidding always love your writing especially if it’s done after drinking bud light lime.

    • Most of them are done after drinking Bud Light Lime, dear, so you’re welcome! Lol. Thank you for being so supportive even though it probably pains you to say nice things about me.

  20. jasteck says:

    Nice job, Don. You are an incredible writer and dad when you have a few cold ones. I’d be asleep on the couch with the kids running the house if I had five…or three…or maybe just two.

  21. We have the same tradition here. Hubby does the dishes while I get kids ready for bed. If I happen to be gone, I gently try to remind him I still expect him to get it all done even though I’m not there. But, I agree with you on the single parent thing…..HOW???
    On a side note, I was at the grocery store this week and saw two women buying some bud light lime. I do not lie. I smiled and thought of you. 🙂

  22. I am still trying to figure out how to pucker my butt…

    That one threw me.

    😉

  23. You really had me going with the funeral of a loved one and the embalmer being terrible…and then the pic of the deceased bottle. LOL!

  24. I grew up with single parents and I think of that often, too, Don. It wasn’t anarchy, but it wasn’t a time I would choose to repeat. That being said, now that I am a parent of 3 like yourself, I think the same thing…how the hell do they do it?! Emotionally, financially, physically? I HAVE lost my mind and I am a happily married woman. Congrats on getting through the night AND linking up!:) Whew!

    • Yeah, my wife and I spend a lot of time drinking and wondering what the hell are we doing wrong with these monsters. Lol. God bless all of us parents, single or otherwise. It’s hard work.

  25. gimpet says:

    You could write total bullshit but when you put in a phrase such as I could almost hear your buttholes pucker, well, its GOLD man, its GOLD…..

  26. 1jaded1 says:

    Hey! I’m a girl and I love hockey. Funny post on so many levels.

  27. findingninee says:

    HAHA you crack me up. And my butthole didn’t even pucker. Ok it did a little. My son was home for THREE DAYS due to snow this week and I have no idea how single parents do it either. Seriously, I’d have given the hubs anything he wanted if he’d have come home at like noon on one of those three days. Oops sorry I mean of course I had a lovely time blowing off work and trying to be on a conference call while my kid was pissed that I was on the phone and so turned on the water in the bathroom and then locked the door from the outside. It took me an hour to find the stupid little key. I’m considering removing the locks. All of them.
    Love that you started this at 9pm when it was due – me too! I mean 9pm my time = due at 10pm but still. Awesome. Sorry about your good friend Frozen BLL dying. That’s sad.

    • It was sad! Oh Tman, what are you doing to your mommy. You should have told your hubs to come home for a “nooner.” He’d have raced home thinking it meant quickie sex, but you’d have handed him Tucker on your way to the liquor store.

  28. Lololz I only got to the words “buttholes pucker” laughed REALLY loudly, scrolled down to the comments to write this. Im not finishing what I started, you should have ended right there, as far as Im concerned perfection has been reached! Writing comments on other peoples blogs while drunk is worse than writing a blog on your own blog while drunk. Now if you’re all excuse me thakyouandgoodnut!

  29. Jen says:

    I love this so much! First, I wish I could drink every freaking night without getting a headache. Can I be totally un PC and say, if I could be an alcoholic, chain-smoking anorexic I would be? Also, my son says “If you die mommy who will take care of me? Poppy can’t take care of me! I would die in a week!”
    So I’d say you were doing pretty good.
    Also, where are the Mariachi’s for the funeral? Surely the funeral of a Bud Light Lime is worthy of a Mariachi band, even a cheap one would do.
    And yes to sun and sand ONLY.

    • Yay sun! You should try the Bud Light Lime…no headaches! THat’s part of the problem though. i can drink so many and not feel badly the next day…sigh. There was a mariachi band in my head after about 7 of them, and you’re right. It was very pleasant.

  30. Lolly says:

    I love this post myself, even though I have a vagina. No butthole puckering from this girl lol
    I don’t watch sports so have no opinion on that one, but I do have one question…..
    How fucking long was your wife’s hair appt????? lol

    • I know, right? She grew up in Illinois, about 50 miles from where we live and she won’t give up her beloved hair stylist. She went straight from work to have some dinner with her folks and then get all prettied up while I was suffering with the chillens and dead Bud Light Limes…

      • Lolly says:

        Ohhhhh, I’m picturing going across town and being done within an hour lol. What women will do to get all “perty-fied”

  31. Laura Lynn says:

    Coming from a non traditional woman, who has no kids (forgot), who watches hockey (but I’m Canadian) hates the AL on principal (dh rules are dumb GO Dodgers!) drinks beer (But STILL haven’t tried BLL) has never had a vacation on a beach (waste of time) I think you’re doing a great job with the kids. Single parents?! What about ANY parents at all? I just don’t know how ANY of you do it. I’ll need to head out at midnight to the local casino-they send a bus to pick you up and drop you off so what the hell, now I can get pissed and sing karaoke- and think it over for a few hours, while drinking 2$ corona’s and screaming Billy Paul songs into the microphone and then wake up with a hangover and say to myself “WTF? Oh yeah…something about kids. And tradition. oh my gawd where’s the coffee?’

  32. Boo Dodgers, but yay you for watching hockey! Wait, you’ve never vacationed on the beach?? You’re too busy to just sit on a beach, aren’t you? I sometimes envy my childless friends..it’s not too late though, Laura! Go for it! The beach that is, not the children. You did that part right! They suck at respecting a good old fashioned hangover.

  33. Haha I liked it.

    As a single parent let me just say that yes, doing that whole bedtime rouyine every night makes me want to poke my eyes in with needles but you just do what you gotta do. I am definitely always knackered by the end of it and I rarely do the dishes that same night. Just don’t have the energy for it (although got there tonight). Usually I just rinse them and make it a morning job.

  34. Inge says:

    Pretty nicce post. I just stumbled upon your bllg and wished to say that I’ve really enjoyed surfing around your blog posts.

    In any case I’ll be subscribing to yourr feed andd I hope you write again soon!

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