Hey all, it’s another Finish the Sentence Friday! Join in on the fun, if you haven’t yet.
This week the sentence starter is: A funny thing happened on my way to…
I used to wonder if I’d ever get there.
Would I make it?
Was I smart enough?
Was I mature enough?
It turns out I don’t care.
A funny thing happened on my way to… growing up.
Just a couple of days ago, while sitting at the table enjoying my bowl of Lucky Charms, I realized that I was alone. There were no children running and screaming or dogs panting in my face or click clacking on the tile to drive me insane. It was just my cereal and me.
To pass the unexpected and unusual alone time, I turned the Lucky Charms box around to see what sort of puzzles or games or interesting reading material cereal boxes had nowadays, and was irked to find that the back of the box was the same as the front. Another Lucky the Leprechaun! Two fronts? That’s stupid.
Reading the cereal box while eating a bowl of cereal used to be classic kid behavior. I’ve never seen any of my kids do it. I don’t know if all the cereal boxes are like this or not, but let’s hope not. I was annoyed, but when I flipped the television on, Scooby-Doo was on. Not one of the new episodes where Velma has the hots for Shaggy and apparently Daphne and Fred are fucking because Fred hasn’t come out of the closet yet. Whatever! Those suck.
The old school Scooby-Doo was on and I was happy, so I dribbled cereal milk down my chin while I became immersed in mystery tv of the best kind.
It turns out that the kid who used to like to sit at the kitchen table watching cartoons or the Lone Ranger or that goddamned Romper Room woman who never did see me in her little mirror, while eating bowl after bowl of sugary cereal, is now an adult who still likes to watch cartoons and eat sugary cereals. A six-pack, a bowl of Count Chocula and a few hours of Family Guy is a good night! If there’s a Blues or Cards game to flip between as well, then bonus!
I mostly went to public grade school and fully expected to attend the local public high school with all my junior high chums. The glitch was that my very best friend at the time was a Catholic school lad. He convinced my mom that I should at least apply to the same private high school that his brother attended and that he was going to attend. In order to persuade me that I’d enjoy it, he and his brother brought me to a high school soccer playoff game that the school was playing in.
It was pretty kick ass.
There were hundreds, if not thousands of people at the Soccer Park that night. The kids were screaming and cheering and had some really funny chants that they’d yell out from time to time. I’m pretty sure our school won, and I’ll never forget the coach, Ebbie Dunn, being interviewed by a local sportscaster. Media? I was hooked.
Somehow or other, I got accepted to that high school and I’m a better person for it. I’d have gotten a fine education at the public high school, but SLUH really crammed writing down our throats. Plus, we won the state championship in soccer my senior year for Coach Dunn, so that was pretty cool. He hadn’t won it since 1973 before that, so it was special. Ironically, we had to beat the public school I would have attended had I not been accepted into SLUH in the quarter finals. That was bitter sweet. Sorry guys.
Surely this semi-hoity toity school would make me grow up, right?
I did some pretty stupid things in high school that needn’t be rehashed here since, even though I’m pretty sure the statute of limitations has run on most of them, they’re somewhat embarrassing. Suffice to say, I knew, my senior year, as I was running naked in the backyard at my pal’s house with my Natural Light 12 pack box on my head calling myself Sir Drinksalot the Knight, that I was not quite there mentally. Close, but not grown up yet.
College? That’ll do it, right?
I was getting there at one point, I was sure of it.
The soccer coach had whipped me into shape pretty good and I was doing fine in school.
You know you might party a bit too much when more than ten people approach to ask you in a surprised voice, “Did I see that YOU made the Dean’s List?”
Yeah fuckers, I did!!!
Geez, I liked to have fun, yes, but I was no idiot. Insulting questions aside, I do get how they could be surprised. I mean, I NEVER missed a party.
Graduating and throwing myself into the work force hasn’t done the trick either.
I moved to Texas after college and worked for Budweiser. If I thought I drank a lot in college and was going to finally get a chance to dry up, I was sorely mistaken. Beer people drink like fish!
The jackassery continued as I was paid to hang out in bars and convince people to drink Budweiser products for several years.
Nobody can grow up into an adult in such an environment, so I went back to St. Louis to become a police officer. That sounds like a very adult thing to do, right?
It sort of is, I guess. I mean there is a lot of responsibility involved, but somehow, it hasn’t done the trick either.
I’ve tried everything.
I got married. I went to law school and passed the bar exam. I bought a house. I traded my pickup truck in for an SUV. I had kids and then bought a bigger house.
None of it worked.
If anything, the kids have kept me youthful and will probably keep me from ever “growing up,” whatever that really entails.
I still giggle when I hear words like anus or titty or when Cool farts. I say giggity and that’s what she said without even realizing it anymore. I’m okay with that.
Tonight, as I pound my beer and kick Cool and Ace’s ass in Mario Kart while G$ pokes me in my eyeball, I’ll be totally cool with not being a grown up.
As long as funny things keep happening along the way, that is.
This has been a Finish the Sentence Friday post. Today’s sentence is “I once saw something funny on the way to…” and was provided by the lovely Kenya from Here’s the Thing who will be co-hosting with us this evening, so show her some love.
Haha, I realize just now that I fucked the sentence up but it’s too late to change now!