A slow work day and stuff…

Hot damn, another post! If this post reads like it was put together hastily by a hungover jackass trying to kill time while not paying attention at a legal training seminar, that’s only because it was  hastily put together by a hungover jackass trying to kill time while not paying attention at a legal training seminar.

I was sort of laughing at the absurdity of my job the other day. Not the job itself so much as what passes for a “slow day.” Somebody asked me how my day was, and I replied that it was really slow and uneventful. I was being completely honest, but the more I thought about that day, the silliness of calling it uneventful hit me.

Part of my morning involved coming across this little lady.

Poor baby.

Poor baby.

Some dickhole tied her with a rope to a pole that ran up a viaduct that trains pass over.

Who knows the reason, but the dog was in pretty good shape (for a north St. Louis stray) and at least had the shade of the viaduct to keep her from the oppressive sunshine.

I tried to get close to her, but she wasn’t having any part of it past about six feet.

It was actually pretty funny. If I was at five feet, she growled, but if I took one step back, she’d stop. I’d step forward, she’d growl, then back and she’d stop. I fucked with her like this for several minutes because it was amusing and I’m an immature fucktard.

Thankfully for old girl, the local Stray Rescue of St. Louis group came and got her. They’ll find her a good home. Oh, and I was totally not offended that she let the young lady who came to get her walk right up to her without regard for the arbitrary six foot barrier that I was subject to. Bitches, what can you do?I think that woman smelled like dogs or had hot dogs in her pocket.

It was such a slow day, that I was able to sneak away for some lunch. There are a million places to eat in North City, if you like Chop Suey, Tripe, Snoots, gas station fare or fast food. I’m not a huge fan of any of them, so I eat Subway nearly every single workday. I could totally make my own sandwich at home, yes, but I’m just so lazy and the Subway is half off.

I took my usual footlong club to one of my spots, only to find that my normally desolate spot was not as desolate as usual. Somebody had left this baby parked there.

The fuck??

The fuck??

Somebody’s car done been burnt to a crisp and left here, probably because it was too hot to tow the night that it was left here by the fire department. It’d make a nice flowering pot or something, for somebody whose HOA allows such monstrosities in their yards.

My slow day was briefly interrupted by a woman calling to report a burglary in her house.

The fuck again?

The fuck again?

This was the cleanest room in this house.

There is a whole mess of a story about this call that I won’t get into, but suffice to say it’s supposed to be a vacant house and nobody should be living there and calling to report burglaries.

The woman wasn’t having any part of hearing why the house wasn’t habitable or why she had to leave. I assure you that this picture doesn’t do justice to how deplorable the rest of  it was. At least this room was dry.

My slow day ended with my dumb ass running after bad guys in the 100 degree heat. Bad guys crashed a BMW into some parked cars right in front of some nice church ladies. I had no intention of running after people half my age for crashing a car, but the ladies were very persistent and excited so I ran.

Well, I jogged.


Hey, it’s hard to look fleet of foot with twenty pounds of gear on.

It turned out that the BMW was, of course, stolen. Alas, the chase was for naught as bad guys got away. Is that a word?

I will say that I got close to nabbing one of them, but dummy ran through a back yard and woke a sleeping dog, a very large, sleeping dog when he sprinted past it. When I came after him, Gigantor was no longer sleeping and was now standing and very curious about what was transpiring in his backyard.

Thankfully, the dog was tethered to something or other so he couldn’t go where he wanted to (i.e. where I was now standing after coming to an immediate halt). Unfortunately, now that I was drenched in sweat and huffing and puffing, that was the end of this guy (me) running any farther on this slow day.

There’s always next time.

While I was enjoying this slow shift at work, I was missing one of my favorite tasks, coaching Cool and the gang on the baseball field. It’s not so much coaching when they’re that age as it is what I imagine herding cats is like and keeping them between the lines.

Still, it’s cute.

Damn, how tall is this girl?!

Damn, how tall is this girl?!

Ha, even standing on the base and wearing a giant helmet, poor Cool is tiny next to this girl his own age.

Anyway, the “uneventful” day I had earned me some good time lime time, so I spent yesterday with a longtime friend who was visiting from Washington. He came to town with his lady friend and her chillens and we hung at our neighborhood pool.

Good time limin'

Good time limin’

Mercifully, lady friend and her older kids amused my boys by taking turns helping to fix their goggles 157 times during the course of four hours because they don’t stay where they should for reasons I can’t pinpoint.

I still had to take Gman to the bathroom 49 times and get up to feed all of them snacks another 492 times.

Despite all the trips to the head while at the pool, Gman still decided to piss like a racehorse all over the floor when we got home. Not to be outdone, Jojo shat in the kitchen while we were trying to have dinner. Oh, then she ate a good chunk of it before anyone realized what was going on.

She ate her own shit in front of our guests, yes.

WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!? was basically my response.

My unmarried, childless friend no doubt appreciated my contribution to reinforcing his decision to not reproduce.

Disgusted, tired and drunk, I finally called it a night before I had to witness another excretion from another body part from another creature. Good times.

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86 Responses to A slow work day and stuff…

  1. djmatticus says:

    Hooray for bodily fluids!
    What? That’s totally worth celebrating, isn’t it?

  2. Ned's Blog says:

    After your next “uneventful day,” the beer’s on me, Don.

  3. Paul says:

    Poor puppy – the dog, Don, not you. Sounds like a busy day to me. What do you do when you find people living (and even calling you to) unsafe buildings? Must be a hard call – throw them out of what little home they have or run the risk they may be hurt. Cool looks small compared to the girl. Tell him not to be worried – girls all grow fast and then stop at about 14 or 15 while we men keep on going to 20 or so. All the girls were bigger than tubby little me through school and then when I was 17 I grew 6 inches in one year (Ow with the bone pain at night) and got skinny. I went from 5’6″ to 6 feet and then grew slower to 6’3″ before shuddering to a stop. interesting post and great reading Don. Thank you.

    • Thanks, Paul. Cool is oblivious to his littleness, but he did mention it once, so I’m sure it’ll become a minor issue for him at some point. He’s a good boy though, so he’ll be fine. As to the peeps with nowhere to go, it’s really a case by case deal. Some folks are open to being found a shelter, and others don’t want any help whatsoever. It can be tricky and frustrating for sure.

  4. Nice to see you’re having a fun summer, buddy. Try to save the foot races for cooler weather.

  5. Paul says:

    Oh, by the way Don, you’re my Bud Lite Lime expert and I have a question for you. They have started marketing Bud Lite Lime Margaritas here in Canada. Have you or yours tried them yet? And if so, are they any good?

    • My wife enjoys a couple of flavors of those limearitas, but I’m not a fan. I’ll chug a couple if that’s all i have around and feel like getting drunk, but I won’t pay to drink one otherwise.

  6. markbialczak says:

    The next time you have an eventful shift, I’ll reserve four or five hours to read about it, Don.

    Yikes. You St. Louis cops got some stuff you gotta take care of on shift, I see.

    Poor doggie. Poor car owner. Poor lady who thinks she lives in her own clean apartment. Poor church ladies how made poor you chase some fast guy not wearing 20 pounds of gear past Gigantor Dog.

    Can’t anybody in this city serve these officers something other than Chop Suey, Tripe, Snoots (what in the hell is THAT, Don?) and Subway, please and thank you?!

    Finally, does everybody in your house ooze something out of every orifice daily, or just on the days that you’re off from work, do you think?

  7. I am going to explain to you like I did to another friend. Unless you are one of those crazy cross fit gym people. (Which I am not). Don’t do think which may hurt your self, we are getting old, “Bad guys” eventually get caught. As far as kids pottying on the floor? I would of went to bed too!! Lol!!

    NIBSIH! 😝

    • It was a foolish instinctual thing. I stopped once I realized what was going on, I swear! Lol. You’re right though. That boy is mostly potty trained, but this semi frequent accidents are making me nuts.

      • No I get it, years ago, an officer I worked with, called and said “no more foot pursuits”, apparently the older kid turned around was running backwards and said “you run pretty fast for old bald fat white cop” kid turned back around and sprinted, ofcr threw his baton at him. So he was mad because he was insulted, lost his baton, and I was laughing, not sympathizing. Potty training, Kid 1 – thought it was cool to do the Cheerios thing – kid 2 – just outrageously smart. Kid 3 girl – no explanation needed. Kid 4 had to pay his a$$ // $.50 for pee and $1.00 for poo. Potty trained in 2 weeks. No accidents – then if he had no accidents for a month he got some huge prize. I took him to Disneyland (he was almost 4 and not potty trained). It was bad. Plus he is in 95 percentile for weight and height. People look at me like ” umm your 6 yoa isn’t potty trained eww” I am like he 3 1/2 bug off”. ( all 5ft of me) Hahahha!

  8. Your description of little kids baseball is right on. (Also, is that girl wearing her soccer uniform?) My boss was asking me to go to St. Louis for work. I may be better off just eating my Subway sandwiches from here. 😉

    • Baseball at that age is soooooooo boring for the kids when they’re in the field. Lol. The food dilemma is really just in my district of the city. There are many many WONDERFUL places to dine everywhere else, I promise.

  9. thanks for the afternoon laugh out loud at my desk. You’ll get me in trouble. ~Chris

  10. Your slow day doesn’t seem so slow to me. Plus, you’re my hero for rescuing that poor pup tied up. The nerve of some jackasses! But what about that car?! And footracing in 100 degree heat is a sure fire way to require yourself for BLL. That’s why you ran, isn’t it?

  11. claywatkins says:

    Slow days are all relative – walk a mile in another person’s shoes and a perspective changes….. I bet you look forward to the slow says. Have a great week

  12. Maggie O'C says:

    I miss your posts, no one else uses “dickhole” properly or at all really.

  13. lrconsiderer says:

    Good grief! Thank goodness it was a slow day!

    What the hell is ‘Snoots’?

  14. Never tire of your experiences, Don. 🙂 I’m impressed and appreciative of the fact that you are a meticulous counter. Exact information is important. 🙂 Will Gman ever not have a bathroom need?

  15. Jolene says:

    So what happened to the dog? Is he now at a shelter?
    Did u give it water or is it still tied up some place? I hope not.

  16. stephrogers says:

    Yay for saving dogs, ick at bodily functions, and what’s a Snoot?

  17. So was the crap episode more disgusting than that house? i wonder which is worse…

    I swear I love reading you… you should write book about all your experiences/slow days as a cop. Surely it would be highly EDITED, but still. It would be good.

  18. bethteliho says:

    You are my favorite immature fucktard on the planet! Thanks for making me laugh today. xo

  19. Kristi Campbell - findingninee says:

    I agree with Beth. You’re like a sweet pet. Immature and fucktardedness and all. Also, your day doesn’t seem that uneventful to me. Fun beer pic.

  20. Kim says:

    If that’s an uneventful day I’m curious to know what an eventful day is like for you!

    For me it’s get up, pee, walk to coffee pot and turn it on, walk to desk and turn on laptop, release the felines if need be, get coffee once it’s done, return to desk and browse Facebook/play 50 games of Freecell. The end of that is the bulk of most of my days. Exciting isn’t it?

  21. jaklumen says:

    Part of my morning involved coming across this little lady.

    This frustrates me. I want a dog as a companion SO BAD and Cimmy knows it, in spades. I guess I need to get on the stick and hop over to Animal Control and start volunteering to walk the dogs there. They would be less demanding a schedule from me than the Humane Society; where I deal with chronic pain, that’s important.

    • We have a group called Stray Rescue in St. Louis where a lot of folks volunteer. Great group. That might be a great way for you to get some dog time without getting a dog. Or wear Cimmmy down until she says yes. Maybe tell her it’s either a dog or a Harley? The dog may be a better idea then.

      • jaklumen says:

        We’re impoverished and on disability, Don… we simply can’t afford the upkeep of a dog. The gov’t will pay for my kids, but not for a dog.

  22. Twindaddy says:

    Somebody sure had some fun with that car.

  23. And now my life seems normal. Thank you.

  24. Mike says:

    Oh you mean the kind of legal training seminar that starts at 8:00 a.m. and it’s 8:02 a.m. when you look up at the clock again and realize holy batshit it’s going to be a long day? Great share on the part about the bad guys taking off on foot. Meaning, that non-cop folks will often wonder why cops can’t keep up sometimes. That’s where you want to hand them the same weight as your duty belt, take off your’s, and say, “Let’s race for 100 yards.” I digress. I often think it would be awesome to come back as a dog in my next life as long I get a really cool owner. But, if I have my reincarnated knowledge as a human I can’t see going after that poop snack…or cat poop either. Sorry, if this comment in all out of whack…I usually write after a few Bud Lights and make much more sense. Great to hear from you, Don! 🙂

    • Good to see you again as well, my friend. I like scattered about comments and posts so it made perfect sense to me. Being 40 probably doesn’t help me to catch 20 year olds either, lol.

  25. Julie DeNeen says:

    Sounds like a very boring day. 😛 Good lord how do you manage to blog such random stuff? The car into a planter is a good idea!

  26. markbialczak says:

    Hey, Don: I want to tag you on one of these Blog Tour five-questions-about-your-approach–when-you-write Dealio’s. I figure it at least will give you a quick and easy post, dude. Your chore is to answer the five quesitons and then “tag” two other bloggers to keep the blessed chain alive. You can dilly and dally as long as your job demands and kid raising and Snout eating and Bud Light Lime drinking force you to. I am going to run my part on Saturday, so I need a yay or nay in a day or so. Thanks, sir. Here’s the link of the post that tagged me. http://earth-rider.com/2014/06/21/the-writers-life-blog-tour/

  27. markbialczak says:

    OK, I posted my Blog Tour piece and tagged you and Aussa.

    Take your time, certainly.

    Here’s the link so you can see what I’m talking about. Have fun. I did.


  28. Smart move … giving that doggie some breathing room. If this is your slow day, I’m sure glad I’m not along when it’s busy. I already follow you as Don Charisma … but I like your style and storytelling here. I popped over from Mark Bialczak’s blog. 🙂

    • Just realized that while you may be loaded with charisma, you and Don Charisma are not one and the same. As a former police reporter, I love your gritty storytelling style and I am following you. (No need to look over your shoulder. To quote The Kinks, “She’s not there.”) 😉

      • Hahaha, good, I was confused about the Don Charisma thing so thanks for clarifying. Thank you as well for following. Police reporter? Hmmmm, I have a real love/hate relationship with my local police reporters so this should be fun! Mostly love though, of course.

      • I’d say that as a police reporter that I understood when you guys were just doing your job and hoped that your realized when I was just doing mine. We – mostly – got along very well. Look forward to more of your stories. 😉

  29. elihawkins6 says:

    looks like a semi-busy day for me over here. Except we usually get snake/bat/deer/raccoon or groundhog (with head stuck in tiny peanutbutter jar) calls more than stray dog calls. I do not work in the country. Suburbia with a taste for wildlife… Its… uh… entertaining. 🙂 Sounds like you earned yourself two extra beers. Cheers!

    • Lol. There are hundreds of stray dogs in north St. Louis and we get a lot of calls for them. We mostly don’t even respond because what the hell can we do? I’m not a dog catcher.

      • elihawkins6 says:

        In my town, we’re essentially animal control – because animal control won’t respond to “wild” animal calls or calls where the animal, usually a dog, is ‘at large’ (running loose)… we have to catch the animal first or determine it to be a danger to society. Of course, if it’s a danger, we’re not going to wait for animal control….

  30. Sounds like quite the eventful day to me! That Cool is so adorable – even the back of him! 🙂

    I wanted to tell you that my 20 year old whom I have mentioned to you before – who wants to be a policeman, is interning at our police station for the summer. I can’t wait to show him this post so he can see what the life of a policeman can be like! 🙂 He is shadowing a lieutenant who apologized in advance and warned him that he drops the F bomb 24/7. Sure enough. 🙂 He gets to go to court with the lieutenant next week and then on some calls. He is quite excited about the whole thing. We shall see.

    • Our lieutenants don’t really do much on the streets so it’d be fairly boring to follow one of them around in my area. F bombs are definitely in my repertoire as well, so there’s that. I’m here if the boy has any questions about the job.

  31. mistyslaws says:

    Was the word you were asking about “naught?” Because yes, it is indeed a word. Well done.

    Sounds like a pretty productive day to me. I mean, unless you are just laying about have snacks and beverages served to you all day, because I would say that that’s the kind of slow day I can sign up for.

  32. mollytopia says:

    Hahaha – I would have played the 5′ / 6′ game with the dog also. You’re so good to run after bad guys in the heat. Hero! Can I just ask how the hell the lady who called in the burglary would have any notion something was missing in that heap of a mess? Good grief…I’ll never understand loose goggles either, or why some dogs insist on eating their own shit. But it sure is hilarious to read about haha : )

    • Haha, no, no hero. A hero would have caught the bad guy, i’m sure. That burglary call was a clusterfuck that I can’t even put into words, ma’am. Thanks for stopping by, Molly; you’re one of my favoritest…shhhh!

  33. jgroeber says:

    I can’t stand how absolutely brilliant your posts are. So glad you found my blog so I could find yours (which sounds pervy somehow, I agree, but I’m such a total dork, I swear, it’s not pervy.) And thank god you don’t post all that often, because now I’m going to follow you and I don’t have time to read anyone else. Not a one. No more follows. But this? This is funny. And I need someone to remind me that finding Lego pajamas caked in poo in the upstairs bathroom at 1 am this morning and then stealthily following the poo tracks to a downstairs bathroom clogged with t.p. and (you guessed it) poo is in fact funny. I mean, they were Batman Lego pajamas. There has to be a joke in there somewhere. And I will leave you to find it. And perhaps whichever other toilet is clogged with poo, too.
    Thanks for the funny and the follow (and for chasing the bad guys.)

    • So many blogs, right?? Yours is the first new blog I’ve followed in months! It’s so hard to keep up with everyone, so I don’t even try anymore. Keep pervy coming, ma’am. I love pervy…funny pervy, especially. Lol.

  34. Aussa Lorens says:

    You crack me up. I don’t even know where to start with this post. That house looks like the squat we recently tore down on our property at work. And how the heck does a car even get to looking like that???? “The fuck?” indeed.

  35. Kevin Inman says:

    I literally laughed out loud while reading this. Not because of the humor, which is undeniable, but because I felt like I was reading a day in our lives here. 🙂 I wish I could relate less to the last half of the post, but sadly I can not. Funny stuff. Potty training is glorious, but then your realize that the “daddy I have to pee” phrase comes every 5 minutes. hahahaha

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