Waiter: “Here is your food, sir. Be careful as the plate is hot.”
Inside Cool’s four year old head: *Wait for it…..
Waiter: “Is there anything else I can bring you?”
Me: “No thank you, we’re good”
Still inside Cool’s four year old head: *Wait for it…..
I make eye contact with Cool and don’t notice any shiftiness. He is waiting patiently for me to cut his spaghetti and giant meatball into the bite size pieces. That’s the only way he’ll eat it. The lazy and the Italian in me is disgusted at him that he won’t just twirl the long noodles on his fork like a normal human being, but cutting noodles isn’t the most difficult thing in the world, so I happily oblige him.
I get his noodles and giant meatball cut and he proceeds to dig into his food.
“Is there anything else you need right now, Cool?”
“No thank you, Daddy,” he answers sweetly to me out loud.
But inside Cool’s four year old head: *Wait for it…..
“You’re sure?” I ask.
Cool nods with his mouth full of pasta. He seems so happy.
“Ok, Buddy. Eat your food like a big boy.”
Satisfied that the premeal production required to get Cool and G$ ready to eat is complete, I begin my own production with my butthole puckered slightly in anticipation.
I can feel him watching me.
*Wait for it…..
I unfold my napkin and place it in my lap.
*Wait for it…..
I season my own food with just the right amount of salt and Parmesan cheese.
*Wait for it…..
He’s glancing over at me, I can feel it. He looks sweet just sitting there chewing his pasta and kicking his legs forward and backwards from his booster seat.
“How’s your spaghetti, Cool.”
“Mmmmphhmmm!!” He mutters with a mouthful of food and a thumbs up to boot. I can see it in his eyes.
*Wait for it…..
The waiter tops off my tea so I get another package of pink stuff to sweeten it to my liking again.
Cool is watching me as he chews. We make eye contact. He smiles with his cheeks bulbous from food that he’s clearly enjoying immensely.
It’s still there in his eyes.
*Wait for it…..
“You still good, Buddy?”
Another nod yes and I take a bite of my nice hot pasta. It is delicious.
“Hey daddy.”
I throw down my fork in disgust. It will be my last hot bite of this dinner.
FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!!!! I think to myself, knowing what’s coming.
“Yes, son?” I say semi-charmingly as though I don’t know what he needs.
He has to poop.
“I have to poop.”
HOLY FUCK! FUCKITTY FUCK FUCK! EVERY FUCKING TIME!!!!! EVERY MEAL!! WHAT THE FUCK?!!!
Simmer down, inside thoughts.
Wife is busy trying to explain to G$ that the cup with the straw can’t be tilted. Apparently, the flood of lemonade pouring into his lap instead of his mouth isn’t enough of a clue, so poop duty with Cool is mine again.
We make our way to the men’s room, one of us dejected and sad, the other giddy with delight to be walking around a restaurant.
The bathroom is disgusting. Always. It’s always disgusting. I curse the bastard before us who didn’t flush his shit down the toilet. What an asshole I think to myself.
“Why didn’t somebody flush the toilet, daddy?” my four year old asks.
“Some people are just ignorant fucktards, son.”
“Is that a bad word, daddy?” he asks.
“Ignorant is sort of a bad word, Cool, but it’s OK to say when it’s true (see what I did there? That’s good parenting). OK, you still have to go potty?”
“Yes”
Cool drops his drawers as I use 1500 squares of toilet paper to cover the seat so he can sit down.
“Don’t touch anything in here.”
“OK, daddy,” he says while grabbing the uncovered back of the toilet with both his hands to balance his skinny ass onto the bowl.
Sigh….
The next 10 minutes involve me standing in the bathroom stall listening to Cool discuss every random fucking thought that comes into a four year old’s mind while they’re taking a dump because they can’t read magazines and don’t have cell phones yet.
“Why are elephants so big?”
“I don’t know, son.”
“Why are they gray?”
“I don’t know that either. Probably something to do with the sun or poachers”
“Is this a restaurant?”
“You mean are we inside a restaurant right now?”
“Yeah.”
“Yes! We’re in a restaurant! Are you almost done?”
Cool nods.
“Almost, daddy.”
“This wall is green.”
“Yes son, it’s green.” I reply while wondering if G$ is currently running his fingers through my pasta since it’s cool enough to touch now.
“Are you done yet?” I ask. “Daddy’s hungry you know.”
After several more minutes of inane conversation I get to wipe his little butthole clean then move our circus to the sink.
In preschool, the kids must wash their hands the duration it takes them to say their ABC’s, so Cool is hollering his ABC’s while washing his hands, much to the delight of some douche at the urinal.
We finally make our way back to the table and, of course, my food is lukewarm but not altogether inedible.
I can’t help but wonder if it’s better when these kids are potty trained or if it’d be easier to just change a diaper after I’ve enjoyed a hot dinner out for a change?
What it is about Cool having to go to the bathroom EVERY.SINGLE.TIME we eat dinner either at home or out, is one of life’s mysteries to me. He can go hours and hours without having to go to the bathroom, but once you tell him it’s time for daddy to eat, BOOM! He’s gotta go.
NOTE:
Yes, I briefly thought to myself, no Don, don’t publish this post about pooping just to have something posted, but if you’re reading this, I posted it anyway. You’re welcome!
Poop related posts. Jesus Christ, this blog can’t have much more life left…
Happy Monday anyway.
don of all trades 
Oh Don we seem to have a common theme on the go…. http://sistasertraline.wordpress.com/2013/09/16/trikonasana-tales-2-bellys-gone-and-got-me-2/#comments
Hahaha, poop and cursing galore! I love it you nasty woman!
Aw! Ya big flatterer! 😉
Ha Ha!! My daughter always does this. Always.
So it’s not just a boy thing, eh? They’re uncanny in their consistency with these sorts of things, aren’t they?
I have one of those little people too. She’s 13 now and can usually be trusted to find her way to the bathroom and back without to much fuss. Her being older now does have it’s downfalls however. Did you know that there is apparently a new rule among the teenage set that tells them that simply because they’re a teenager they can do whatever the hell they want? I told her she was seriously misinformed and that she was grounded. Yeah, it was a fun weekend at my house. I think I’d trade cold spaghetti and trips to the bathroom for this.
Hmmm, you’re not the first one to warn me about these teen years. My oldest is ten now so we’re getting there…poop!
Another reason I didn’t breed.
The more I see it in print, the more the reasons against seem to out distance the pros by miles and miles.
Well if it makes you feel any better my 14 yr old daughter spills her drink at every. single. meal!!!
STILL!!!!
Oh no, I have a wife and daughter that have the dropsies! I’m not even allowed to sigh anymore when wife drops another of my favorite beer glasses onto the floor and it shatters into thousands of pieces.
Your funny.
One day I will have a awesome funny person like you in my life,,lol.
We must be related (at least the kids must be).
They’re similarly evil!
Haha! I think this might be the most charming poop story I’ve ever read. 😀
Charming poop stories should be a genre like humor or erotica or fiction, no? Thank you, Rawra!
LMAO, thanks Don for bringing humor to this gloomy Monday. Glad it’s you n not me…..
I hope it’s not too gloomy outside of the weather! Though it’s actually nice out right now.
Oh, yes I remember those days. And the questions during the act? You nailed that perfectly. So funny! Then again, poop always is…
One out of one doctors I know agrees that poop is funny! Sweet! It’s great conversation in those stalls, isn’t it? As long as there’s no eye contact while wiping, it’s not too demeaning.
This is gross, but your post was gross albeit hilarious… so here goes. They say that eating food stimulates a puppy’e bowels and they have to poop soon after. So perhaps it applies here? Give him an apple before you leave for restaurant or sit to eat? Totally guessing here.
We should try to be proactive and get him to poop before the meal? Hmmmm that’s not a terrible idea, but I fear his timing is purposeful or at least ingrained pretty deep at this point.
yes give him an apple, I bet he loves them!
I enjoyed the content of this blog but hell, I wrote a post last week about Shit Dip. So to me, you are definitely not running out of content, as I spit out my drink reading this post while laughing!
Ha, I hope it wasn’t a good alcohol drink! I remember the shit dip! Sounded delightful.
Oh yeah. Been there. Done that. Got the T-shirt. I soooooo do NOT miss those days. LOL!
I thought we were supposed to miss these days at some point? That’s a lie too??
Yep. Lies. It’s all lies. What’s “supposed” to happen and what actually DOES happen sometimes just doesn’t jive. For instance, at the ripe old age of 24 I was told by doctors I couldn’t have kids. (The gods probably knew what they were doing there, btw. LOL) Then, with no help from modern medicine, I turned up pregnant with Baby #1. Doctors said, “It’s your miracle baby. There won’t be anymore”. When I got pregnant with Baby #2 the doctors looked at me and shrugged and said, “Well, nothing is impossible.” NOW you tell me this? Anyway, I wouldn’t trade them for the world, but it amazes me that they’ve turned into the well adjusted adults they have given that I was their mother. But then… behind every great kid is a parent who’s pretty sure they’re screwing it up. LOL!
We haven’t moved into the poop dinner delays yet… and I stress yet, because I know it is in our future too. Currently we have this great schedule where we take turns trying to get the little prince calmed down and asleep for his afternoon nap while the other puts the fnishing touches on dinner. This process can take anywhere from 5 minutes to forever, but, invariably, the second dinner is ready to eat and we’ve sat down at the table to have a meal together (husband and wife) the little prince wakes up screaming – his nap could have been 5 seconds or two hours and he will wake up. How dare we eat without him. What were we thinking? Ugh. So, yay, we have poop delays to look forward to next.
Oh you’ll be there soon my friend! Remember that there’s no hurry to get the Prince to crawl, walk or potty train! You think there is, but don’t rush it! There are no medals and the more mobile they are the more trouble they find. Poop included.
too late… he’s already crawling… and sitting on his own, and working on standing, and he knows what the potty is, and sometimes he’ll wait until we take him to it to use it…
it’s scary…
I love this blog and if you want to write about poop, write it!
Yay, thank you, LL!! Hope you’re doing great!
I think blogs need more posts about poop.
Maybe that could be a regular thing? Probably could tie it into the chicken palace adventures.
Or anything involving Mexican food.
I swear, from the first *wait for it… I knew where you were going. Because this is my life every single time too. You are a good Dad for taking him. It’s usually ME that has to do the trips to the disgusting bathroom. Glad you posted something, even if it was about poop.
I believe that you and most parents did! It’s wonderful, isn’t it?
wonderful in a “why did I do this to myself” sort of way
Hahahahahahahahahahahaha I LOVE little Cool. He’s the coolest / slyest pooper in the world 😉
I hope there’s a college scholarship for that cool poopin’ someday!!
LMAO…when my daughter was little, she did this all the time. I swear we’ve been in every restaurant bathroom in this town. Thanks for the laughs!!
No, thank you for laughing! It seems we parents all go through similar travails, but I enjoy taking them out into public nonetheless.
I wrote about dog poop yesterday. 🙂
Lol, poop is popular this week! What a society we live in.
Don, you could write about a shit Popsicle and make it sound appetizing. The only thing missing from this post to make it my former life (as mine are now tween and teenaged) would be the very uncomfortable eye contact mid dump. Truly.
Hey, this is a family blog you vulgar bitch! Lol. Shit popsicle sound delightful! Eye contact mid dump or while wiping is very uncomfortable, you’re right about that!
hahaha, that’s Cool! I say: start choosing restaurants for their bathroom instead of their food!?
Ha, that’s not a terrible idea! I could be the George Costanza of my area for best restroom knowledge! It’s going to be a new Yelp category!
Another shit post!. And now you have a sh*tload of comments on you sh*t post.
Lol, but no love from the Irish blogging community. Present company excluded, I’m sure.
Too crude a post for us good Irish bloggers!
Maybe it’s a power play? I certainly don’t miss that part of those days. I thought our youngest daughter had a secret quest to visit every public restroom on earth. What I do miss and maybe you will too are those great questions. I wish people could stay curious their whole lives. Of course you are curious about this situation but it’s because it’s annoying. Hey quality time in public restroom stall.
I should appreciate those moments more, no matter where they are, shouldn’t I? I didn’t have my phone with me to Google elephant related questions, unfortunately, so I got flustered. Lesson learned!
Cool’s very own Pavlovian variation. Maybe you break the conditioned response by ordering a salad?
Oh Jane, that stings! I don’t know why, but that stings. Is salad an Australian thing? Like a marsupial sandwich of some sort?
Laughing my ass off. My favorite was your excellent parenting skills with the whole fucktard ignorant thing. You’re good.
I may write a book on parenting someday! You’ll be so mad once I do because you’re parenting days will be long behind you by then, I’m sure but you’ll think damn, that’s some advice I could have used right there! Lol.
I for one believe poop and fart stories are always amusing….when they stop being funny, something’s wrong!
What a darling.
See… I totally miss out on all the good poop by not having children. The plus side? I get to eat my food while it’s still warm. 😉
I love a good poop story. Laying a base, huh? I never lay a base…Lol.
I think this qualifies as paying it forward, played back. Very deja vu. We knew we were once paying our dues only to pass the baton; just not sure to whom. Ignorant was brilliant! Must be a newer generation thing, what with counting the ABCs. Another creative preschool teacher…
Cool is a manipulative evil genius who is playing you for the fool you are. Or he’s a normal 4 year old who still hasn’t grown a sense of consideration, self-control, and decorum because he’s a toddler.
I would totally go with the former. Way more logical.
Children just have this weird sense of when their parents are either in a hurry to get somewhere or to fulfill some sort of biological function of their own. They just know that’s when to strike.
When you start going out to dinner with your own personal roll of toilet paper, it’s time to introduce the kids to the concept of “babysitter.”
65 comments, see poop is a great conversation topic! I am SO happy that you’ve decided to publish this, because I’ve just spent 5 minutes laughing at (as in with) every single word here. This is brilliant. And painfully familiar. And brilliant!
Haha! This is hilarious, Don! I love a good poop post.
Omgahhhhd I love these tales. I have no idea why children need to dump out the second your food is on the table, but it’s hilarious. Only because Anna’s finally old enough to go to the restroom alone (as long as I can see the door). No one does poop posts like you, Don!
Oh my god. I was laughing so hard I was crying. I laughed so hard I accidentally woke up my husband who WAS sleeping next to me. I read this to him and he also died of laughter.
We feel your pain. Our almost 5 yr old does the same thing. WITHOUT FAIL he has to poop every night when we sit down to dinner. The thing that sucks is when you go out to eat you have to walk them to the bathroom. At home….LilC just walks himself and knew back when he is done.
It’s easier to just eat at home….lol
When my son was 18 mos. through four or five we did not eat out. There were a few years that it was just too hard. Mostly because he couldn’t sit for more than 45 second before he had to jump up and run around the restaurant. And that was if he would even go in the door. I’ll never forget the time I was jonesing for Applebee’s and we had a new one in town. We drove there, got out of the car, opened the restaurant door, and… the kid would not even walk into the place. Something about it scared the crap out of him (not literally though). I was pissed. We left.
My suggestion to you, as the flight attendant says to put on your mask before assisting others, is for you to eat before you cut up Cool’s spaghetti and meatballs. Let him wait while you eat at least half of your plate.
Don, you always make parenting sound like so much fun. Poop is funny!
I SWEAR YOU ARE JUST perfect! Buddy, your writing is Incredible! Thank you sooo much … I could just FEEL the sweat poring off you brow in anticipation before seasoning…I was with you every step of the way! Honestly, I ALWAYS say I haven’t eaten a HOT meal or even drank a HOT coffee in 14 years … OHHH the joys of what retirement will be like.. If I can remember what food tastes like by then ; D I’m feelin ya Don! You are the Best. Thanks for the wonderful laughs ..where were you all summer I had full of “**** Shit”–You should read what it was like while you were gone, not sharing any of your laughter … “Our **** Summer” post sums it up. Glad you have returned my SMILE 😉
Suspiciously Timed Crapitis. My husband gets it whenever I ask him to help with anything around the apartment, go into any sort of store with me, or call his mother!
Hahaha! I get it when it’s time to put the kids in the bath and to bed! But shhhhhh with that for real!
I feel your pain! Been there, done that, missed my hot meal! Damn kids and their bodily functions! :o)
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I felt like I was right there with you, with pasta so cold you almost didn’t want to eat it. Almost.
Hahaha, almost indeed! It’s still pasta for god’s sake!
Guess what I did in the middle of reading this post. Their timing is impeccable.
Hahaha! THey’re awful little creatures sometimes, aren’t they?
Every time. You are too much.
You’ll be there one day, Aussa. One day you’ll get it.