Last week, sort of. a stray dog, bloody nips and funny signs…

Well, since the wee gray organ inside my skull is unwilling to spew forth anything new or creative, I’m just going to rehash the week that was.

That just was?

Is it rehash my last week?

Whatever, I’m going to tell you about some of the seven prior days of my life, is what I’m saying.

My work week got off to a rousing good start with a call for a vicious dog near some kids playing outside. The caller was afraid that the dog was going to attack the kids.

I don’t know who made the call, but when I arrived, three little girls flagged me down and pointed out the dog to me. They didn’t really have to do that since she was about a 70 pound dog and she was standing right behind them wagging her tail and looking all confused about what was going on.

I noticed that the dog was a bit wet, and when I asked the kids what that was all about, they said that they’d just got done bathing her with a hose.

Confused, I asked, “You mean you sprayed her with a hose and soaped her down, or you sprayed her with a hose to scare her away?”

Also now confused, the girls asked, “Geez, don’t you know what bathing means, officer?”

“Touche brats!” I thought, but they were sweet girls anyway.

“Somebody called and said that the dog was vicious,” I told them.

When the girls asked me what vicious meant, I found myself laughing inside my head as I mentally wrote a Dora cartoon that included a vicious bear running from the wavy forest towards the magical lake to rip her and Boots’s throats out before eating them and then wiping its ass with the map and sparing future generations anymore of that nonsense.

No, that’s not appropriate. Still, Dora and Peppa Pig could do a better job of teaching kids about some negative things in life along with their alleged positive messages.

Instead of being too graphic, I simply said that it meant that the person who called was afraid that the dog was going to bite or scratch them.

The girls had a pretty good laugh at that, and to prove the point, they all three gave the dog a giant hug as she looked at me like, “What the fuck is going on, officer? Do you have any treats in your pockets?”

That’s what I think her face said anyway, but no, I didn’t have any treats.

The dog looked pretty good for a stray, so I decided to see if she’d get in the car so I could take her to Stray Rescue. It’s not that I was being nice to the dog so much as it was a good way to kill an hour without having to answer more radio assignments.

As though she were reading my thoughts, the dog raced to the car and nearly knocked me over as I reached for the handle. She’d clearly been in a car before and enjoyed herself.

We had a fine time conversing and looking for bad guys (insert cat burglar joke here) on our way to the shelter.

Vicious and I patrolled the mean streets together, briefly.

Vicious and I patrolled the mean streets together, briefly.

I was briefly sad at having to leave my new friend with the folks at animal control, since the no kill shelter joint wouldn’t take her in for me. What’s up with that? The fine folks at animal control assured me that they’re a kinder, gentler place and promised me that they’d call me to come get her, if they couldn’t find her a home. They seemed pretty confident that they could, and I hope they do. I have my hands full with a geriatric lab with no sphincter control and whatever this one’s problem is.

Staring at nothing...

Staring at nothing…

She’s taken to sitting awkwardly on the stairs and staring at nothing out the windows. She only takes a break to look over at me every now and then with an expression that asks, “Why aren’t you making whatever it is I want to have happen happen?!”

Read my mind, DON!!

Read my mind, DON!!

I don’t know, dog!

Well damn, day one really took up more time and energy than I thought, so there’s no time to tell you about the rest of my week. So, instead of boring you with things like that pregnant woman drinking cleaning solution (she lived but I worry about her baby being raised by this person) or more shootings or my epic night of Bud Light Lime consumption, I’ll end this with my yesterday.

Yesterday, the wife woke me at seven something in the morning to go cheer for our good friend and neighbor, Margo, as she was trying to qualify for the Boston Marathon. Normally, this is no problem, but the night before was a 40th birthday party for a college buddy and I may or may not have put down 20 bottles of beer and three really good bloody mary’s with dinner. Either way, getting up was unpleasant, to say the least.

Alas, we made it to the course, and it turns out that the only thing almost as bad as running in a race is watching other people do it.

It is made more entertaining by holding funny signs though. Margo’s husband had some ready for the DOAT clan to help inspire the runners.

Ace and Cool were all sorts of into it.

Motivating runners all classy like...

Motivating runners all classy like…

Gman had his moments, but not so much.

Distracted by donuts...

Distracted by donuts…

The wife promised him a donut on the way to the run, but we ran out of time. That explanation wasn’t sufficient, however, so he spent the next seven hours talking about getting his donut until we finally found a gas station donut to shut him up.

So the thing with marathons is that apparently, men do bleed out their nipples, which is quite disgusting. Here’s a pro tip, runners – when your nipples start to bleed, that is your body telling you, “STOP! LOOK AT YOUR NIPPLES!! THEY’RE BLEEDING!!!”

The nipple bleeders did not stop though, as I saw several men with bloodied nipple shirts trudging on against the protestations of their bodies. I am quite confident that I would listen to my nipples, were I ever interested in running again.

So anywho, this went on and on and we got nowhere, so I’ll wrap it up.

I don’t know what Margo’s official time was, but it was something ridiculous like under 3:40 and she was still down on herself. That’s a perfectionist for ya. I would be proud to just finish a marathon, let alone run it that fast.

We had lunch and did some things after the race, and there were still people being announced as they crossed the finish line, six plus hours later. Most were walking, of course.

I’m sorry, but if you walk any significant portion of the marathon and it takes you more than five hours, then you didn’t run a marathon. You simply traveled 26.2 miles on foot.

I did the same thing myself yesterday walking up and down Main Street while the wife shopped. Of course, I did it alternating a five and a three year old on my shoulders, but no medal for me after the end of my long day.

Hahaha, well my brain went flaccid just now so there’s no funny ending to this just an abrupt little se

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48 Responses to Last week, sort of. a stray dog, bloody nips and funny signs…

  1. jeffingoff says:

    Hope that dog gets a person worthy of her.

  2. Maggie O'C says:

    Traveled 26.2 miles on foot. Ha! I wouldn’t even drive a marathon. The signs are genius!

  3. rynolexson says:

    What is it with men and bloody nipples? Is this is a thing, it really grosses me out. PS, that dog is adorable and she looks like she should be your patrol buddy. I’m glad you didn’t shoot her, she looks like a nice gal.

    • It really is a thing and it really is ridiculous! So gross. She was a good girl! Somebody will take her. They probably already have. Why in the world would I shoot her!? She’s a dog, not a New Jersian.

  4. Elyse says:

    I hope Vicious doesn’t get stuck with a bozo with bleeding nipples …

    • Hahaha! I hope not too because those men all looked a bit nutty. You’d sort of have to be to let everyone see your nipples bleeding through your shirt like some sort of disturbing stigmata thing. She’ll find a good home one way or another.

  5. ohh that dog was soo sweet looking. loved your en

  6. Carrie Rubin says:

    I was wanting a donut until you brought up bloody nipples.

  7. Melanie says:

    “were I ever interested in running again”…Are you not running anymore? Come on Don! You were all inspired and shit. Marathons are for crazy masochists, but there’s plenty of more reasonable distances as options.

    • After my last half marathon last year I had a bad case of plantar fasciitis and then some ankle problems and it just got easier to not run at all. Lol. My wife said the same thing…just run a couple of miles and be happy. We’ll see. Thank you!

      • Melanie says:

        Let the Margos of the world have the marathons. Me and you, we just need to be ready to run (literally) to the store in case of zombie apocalypse.

  8. pegoleg says:

    Who needs marathons when you’re doing competitive shop-dawdling.

  9. julie says:

    Vicious looks like a great partner for ya Don! I hope she finds a home, but it is good to know you will be called if it gets close to her NOT finding one. Seriously? The dog on the stairs is keeping watch. Let you know if a bad guy tries sneaking up on you. I know you are busy and all, but I think you should write more 😉

    • OMG, the dog was on the stairs doing that when I got home from work at midnight and she scared the bejeezus out of me! She’d never been there before at night like that. Freak!! Lol. Is that sarcasm about the writing? I’ve been bad with it recently I know.

      • julie says:

        I know it is hard to tell. I can be very sarcastic, however I really enjoy your stories! Seriously. She is just keeping watch. What a good girl! (see how that “seriously” worked with both thoughts? Genius!) 🙂

  10. She would be a great partner! I vote for going back to get her.

  11. bethteliho says:

    Wait…what? Are you serious about bloody nips? Tell me, otherwise I’ll be googling it later. WTF?

    SWEET DOGGIE. and I love the sign about if running a marathon were easy it’s be called your mother….LMAO

    • YES! It’s really a thing!! That dog was totally sweet, and if I didn’t have two dogs already, she’d be on my living room floor right now. Cool had his picture taken with that sign by a shitload of people. I told him he’s probably going viral.

  12. susielindau says:

    That was quite a day or two!
    Loved the signs. I’m glad everyone survived besides their nipples.

  13. jgroeber says:

    I love the pure scatological order to this post. A friend at Goodnight Already wrote something about getting lost in a space-time continuum and it being called “spaghettification” which just about sounds like your week. You were spaghettified.
    Also- I’ve run seven marathons and not once have I bloodied a nipple nor have I ever seen a bloody nipple on a woman. Just saying. (Do you see how I slipped in the seven marathon-thing?)
    (Okay full disclosure: I’ve never bloodied a nipple but I have cut a perfect outline of a sports bra into my skin. The bloody man-nipple is way easier to prevent and way more gruesome to behold.)

  14. Well, he was promised a donut. What d’you expect? It’s like you’re new at this or something.

  15. mistyslaws says:

    Slap some bandaids on those nips and run like a vicious dog is chasing you, Don! You can do eet.

    So, let me get this straight . . . 3 sweet little girls come upon a possibly, but not really, vicious animal and go about bathing her? And while this is happening, some busy body calls the cops? I don’t get this at all. I thought one of the girls was going to say that it was her dog. Who randomly cleans stray animals? Weird.

    • No way! Bloody nips is absolutely where I draw the line. Actually, the line is way before that, when the nipples feel tingly and uncomfortable way before they bleed. The body is amazing, but we must listen to its warnings! Life in the ghetto is pretty strange, and there aren’t a lot of things for kids to do, sadly. Washing a dog they found was probably a highlight for them.

  16. Mike Vogler says:

    Well, I learned something new on the nipples of marathon runners. I bet if I was running away from a bear mine would bleed. The signs with the kids were great but, of course, for this post your pic with the stray in your patrol vehicle was my favorite, Don 🙂

  17. Cassandra says:

    You can’t promise the little ones a treat and not deliver unless you’re ready to listen to the seven hours of “when am I getting my treat?”. Learned that one the hard way.

  18. The pictures of your dog staring at nothing made me LOL. My cat stares at ME all the time and it drives me crazy. The other night, I couldn’t help myself and I yelled at her, “Cat! Go do something with your life!!” which my husband thought was hilarious. I love your random posts. They’re the best sometimes.

  19. sassypanties says:

    Heeeeeeeeeyyyyyy!!! I feel like I was robbed of like, FIVE WHOLE ENTIRE FUCKING DAYS!!!!

  20. Nipple bleeders? Pregnant Lysol Drinkers? Those should be Dora subjects too…

    (How’s the dog? Did they find her a home yet?)

  21. Paul says:

    Viscious looks right at home patrolling with you Don. I am pleased that they will not kill her before calling you. Marathons are not my cup of tea. I’ll leave that pleasure to others. Love the signs you guys had – too funny. Keep up the good work, Don and take care.

  22. markbialczak says:

    Sorry I’m so late arriving at your post here, Don, but for some reason I got out of the habit of checking to see if you’ve written anything. I don’t know why that is, do you?

    That ride-along stray was the boss! Somebody cool had to snatch that dog up. As for your stair dog with a new case of the faraway look, damn, what’s changed in your house lately to upset Muttsy so? Dog amateur psychology at work. There has to be a routine change at work …

    The bloody nipple thing in the marathon, that must better have been coming from the outside, not the inside!

    Glad to see you writing something, my friend, and it was pretty good. I’d give it a B minus. It would have been C plus but that funny ending gave you a half-grade jack-up.

  23. Linda Roy says:

    Aw, that’s the sweetest vicious pup I’ve ever seen. 😉 Hope they found her a good home.

  24. You. Are. So. Funny. (looking)

  25. Kristi Campbell - findingninee says:

    I have to believe that you’re making it up about bloody nips because disgusting. That’s like ebola shit there. And haha to your awesome signs. I’d maybe run a little bit if you and your fam were holding signs like that for me. So do you own that dog yet?

  26. opticynicism says:

    “If marathons were easy, they’d be called your mother” . . . . funniest thing I saw all day!

  27. Did the shelter ever call about Vicious? I hope she went to a good family. My dog is a rescue too.

    About the dog staring…One evening when I came home from work, my dog was pacing and couldn’t settle down. I thought she may have been in a lot of pain, so I took her to the ER vet. The vet thought she might have Canine dementia (Canine Cognitive Dysfunction Syndrome) and gave me a brochure on it. Apparently, in addition to pacing, another symptom is staring at nothing. My dog does that from time to time. Anyway, the following week or the week after, my dog had another episode of the pacing, but this time she was vomiting and couldn’t stop. It turned out that she had acute pancreatitis. She almost died and spent 4 days at the vet hospital over Labor Day weekend. She’s on a different diet and takes Pepcid in the mornings. But, that staring is still going on from time to time.

  28. Shelley says:

    What’s wrong with those men?? All they had to do was vaseline their nips or bandaids them up. Marathons? One done. Check it off the list. Awful.

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