100 posts ‘n stuff…

Since I don’t believe that yesterday’s reblogging of Ace’s awesome photo counts as a post, this one here is numero 100.

100 posts.


Many of my posts are of the long variety, generally 1000 words at least.  I apologize for that, people, but once I get going it’s difficult for me to stop.

I started this blog on a whim, really.  I’ve always enjoyed writing, though I hadn’t done it in quite some time outside of police reports or motions to quash subpoenas from dumbshit defense attorneys, but that’s another post altogether.  I’ve also always enjoyed being snarky and sharing my thoughts and opinions where they’re not wanted, much to the dismay of many of my closest friends and family members.

During a particularly contentious political season during the latter part of 2012, there was a   lot of back and forth about abortion and gun control and so forth.  One of our fine Missouri senators even went so far as to suggest that “legitimate rape” victims rarely became pregnant because he understood from doctors that their bodies somehow shut down or something to prevent such a travesty from occurring.  Yes, he said this out loud and on purpose.  His name is Todd Akin and he’s an idiot.

I was that guy on Facebook everybody kept asking mutual friends “who is that fucking guy?”  Taking moving or otherwise mundane Facebook posts and steering them straight into the gutter with a single comment was my thing, as was heckling perfect strangers when I found them to be super annoying.

Here’s an example.  My friend Sarah had posted a link to a cool post about teaching kids values or respect or loving everyone in spite of their differences or some such bullshit, and this MW woman somehow managed to turn it into an anti-abortion related thread even though it was not in any way shape or form an abortion related post.

Here is her comment:

MW: Had a busy day, but when I had a chance to read the article I had some thoughts to share. When did America become a feminist country? If we are a feminist country, why don’t we care about the 3,000(yes, 3,000-about the same number killed on the first 9/11) babies who don’t get a choice in America by their free mothers who choose to abort them? Just because I continue to speak with passion about our country’s big mistakes that has happened with this administration and will continue if we can’t stop them, doesn’t mean I am being disrespectful. My kids are seeing compassion, determination, love of God, love of family, love of country. We speak out to those we love. Love speaks the truth, love listens.

I had never met MW and to this day have no idea who she is, other than some acquaintance of my friend Sarah.  Her comment annoyed me and since I was feeling frisky and had probably had a few beers, I joined in the thread with the following:

  • DonofalltradesNothing to do with this thread, but I remember during the Clinton administration when I was very anti abortion. I was picketing at a planned parenthood clinic in the CWE with a younger Todd Akin, whom i’d met in Vancouver, because those people at PP kill babies and somebody gave me $10 to do it. That was more money then. Anyway, I’m all shouting F you baby killers and God hates your mothers and stuff when this sort of fat but not too ugly chick pulls up and says “hey Don, I’m pregnant!” I looked at Akin and was like, did she say Todd or Don and she was all you Don of all trades I wouldn’t touch that other doofus. Well crap I thought, how did this happen? Then I remembered that there was a sale on Mickeys Malt Liquor a few weeks prior at a bowling alley. Lots of bigger but not really ugly gals hung out at this bowling alley. Well anyway, she says we did it in my Cavalier right in the bowling alley parking lot and I wasn’t careful. Well I says that it’s her body and that if I was drunk enough to bang her fat ass then clearly she should have been more responsible. Well the short of it is that I told her I had $10 and would gladly change my mind about my anti abortion ways because i was broke and no woman should have to raise a baby that was the product of bowling alley parking lot sex and she said ok. I had already spent $5 on Taco Bell so she was pretty pissed. Anyway, she said she was already going to do it because she loved her boyfriend when it wasn’t league night on Thursdays when her love sometimes wanes. She did it with my blessing and $5 and then when we were leaving she was all what is this piece of junk? She was talking about my pretty sweet GMC pickup. I guess she was too scared to notice on the way there. She thought I had a Cavalier but I remembered I never did own a Cavalier so I guess she aborted some other dude’s fetus and I never did touch that fat gal, but i was still out $5. Had I ever told you that story, Sarah?

    See, what the fuck does that even mean?

    Then the next morning, I had to apologize to Sarah in my own special way, just in case MW was a good friend of hers and I had ruffled some feathers.


DonofalltradesSorry, Sarah, that was TMI. That was before I met you in Texas when I spent five years pursuing my associates degree in French at Belleville Area College. I wanted to learn French because I had met a really beautiful chick in Quebec while we were campaigning to keep the Nordiques in Quebec! We failed of course, because they left a few years later for Colorado, but I swore that one day I’d go back to find that woman and be able to tell her, in French, that she had nice hair and great hips for breeding. Alas, I never went back because flights were so expensive again and I never learned the French word for hips. The Internet wasn’t an option then and I didn’t have a library card to borrow a book about learning French. Oh well, God had a plan for me I guess as I met my beautiful wife, you and Johnny Earl all shortly after my failed attempt at love. Plus I was able to resume my passion for drinking beer on somebody else’s dime.

Almost every last bit of this crap was made up nonsense.  I’ve never been to Canada, but you get the idea of the sort of FB annoyance I was.

Of all people, my wife actually encouraged me to start a blog so that I could share my asinine thoughts with the willing of the world instead of my poor friends and family who had no choice but to unfriend me if they didn’t want to have to read my crap.  Though I’m sure there are times when she regrets it, it’s been nothing but fun and a great release for me.  I didn’t know anything about blogs really, but with some help from my aforementioned pal Sarah, I got myself up and running on this here WordPress.

My first post was on November 12, 2012.  It was just a stupid story that popped into my head about a friend who was showing me porn.  I had porn in front of my face and instead of looking at a naked woman on the screen, I found myself trying to see the wall behind her.  Not knowing what I was doing, it was never tagged and has never been “liked” or commented upon.  Will somebody please go like it now?  It’s terrible, but it’s not too long so you can do it as a favor to me, ok?  Click here to read it.

I followed that up with yet another untagged and unliked post about my CDO (because OCD isn’t in the correct order).  I finally learned about tagging and managed to get a single “like” on my third post which was a shot at all my hunting buddies who were having such a time on Facebook boasting about their prowess at killing a stupid forest creature.

Since then, I’ve posted about my pleasure at hosting Thanksgiving (even included a drawing) and finally got some comments from people I know in real life because I was forcing them to read my blog by this point.  I posted about parenting adventures, and then one of my more popular posts, Honkey Bus, and on and on and on with asinine stories that some of you have grown to love.

I also struggled with whether or not to include any serious thoughts I wanted to share on the same blog as my crap.  I decided in the end that this is my space and I was going to do what I wanted, so I wrote a post about my deceased grandpa in-law (mostly out of love for my wife on her birthday) wherein I lamented not getting to know him better as well as a poem about the Connecticut tragedy.  That poem sucked because I’m not a poet, but it honestly helped me to have a little cathartic cry and get on with life.

I’ve posted helpful tips on how not to be a douche, as well as useful stuff people should know to be a grown up, as well as tips for 15 year old girls.  My expertise knows no bounds!

There of course has been much mention of my love for Bud Light Lime and we had some laughs when Don got to hang out with a Jesus Christ you may not recognize (warning, this post may cause hard feelings).

I’ve written about the kids and work and have been honored to write some guest posts that have gone really well and really really badly.  I’ve “met” a lot of great people along with way as well.

When I get a comment that you were moved or laughed or that you read something to your spouse and he or she laughed, it makes me happy.  Getting to know many new people from all over the world has been awesome, and I’ve been glad to share myself with all of you.  I think even my real life friends have gotten to see a part of me that they’re probably surprised exists, and that’s cool with me.

So, while I have about 10,000 words I’d like to say, I’m going to cut myself off and get on with my day.

I was going to wait and make my 100th post epic, but I don’t have epic in me and I’d rather just post something now because that’s how I get to talk with all of you guys via your comments.

So, from my very first real WP friend, Cookie from Canada (congrats again on you beautiful son by the way) to all of my newest friends in this blogoshere, thank you for following me and helping to make this such a rewarding 8 months.

I look forward to the next 100 posts (sorry dear).  I hope we’ll laugh more than we cry, but whatever happens, let’s enjoy the ride.

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41 Responses to 100 posts ‘n stuff…

  1. Mental Mama says:

    You keep it coming, we’ll keep reading. 🙂

    ps – I annoy the fuck out of my family on FB. It’s just what I do.

  2. ardenrr says:

    Happy Centennial! I demand more Hangin’ with JC posts!

  3. Blogging is definitely a better place than Facebook for everything! I’ve gotten in some pretty nasty discussions on FB and have ended up blocking some family members. Congrats on your 100! 🙂

  4. Nagzilla says:

    Congrats on hitting the century mark! Here’s to many, many more.
    *Notice that I actually know how to use to versus too, although here’s too many, many more would have been funnier.

  5. Cordelia says:

    We love you even if you are wildly offensive, drink bad beer, and are the WORST advocate for Missouri tourism. 🙂

  6. Katie says:

    Congrats! I happen to love your super long posts. It gives me faith that more people will read mine… Eventually.

  7. twindaddy says:

    What is this place? How the hell did I get here? Fuck. I’m lost.

  8. Glad you’re here. I love your blog! I mentioned you yesterday.
    Here’s to many more blogs …..

  9. tric says:

    What a stupid post! Uninteresting and boring! Time to unfollow you. 🙂
    This and worse are the type of comments we have come to expect from you. Along with at least one reference to drink or sex.
    Keep them coming!My favourite comment of yours on my site was in reply to one of my weepy heartfelt posts. It was about my Dad writing me a poem. It came from my heart that post and you commented by writing a made up supposedly Irish/english ridiculous poem to my daughter from me. I have to say I laughed out loud.

  10. Hell, wish you were my FB friend. My FB life would be much more exciting with you stoking the fires! In honor of your hundredth post, I might even venture to read some of your early works. 😉

  11. A.J. Goode says:

    Congratulations, Don! I’m staring down my 100th post too, although I’m sure mine will be nowhere near as epic or entertaining.

    By the way, how goes the fifty-pound weight loss? Who’s winning? 🙂

  12. Bravo, Sir!

    FYI, I like long posts – as long as they don’t bore me. That’s really my only criterion. Carry on, I’m looking forward to the next 100.

  13. canigetanotherbottleofwhine says:

    Aw, great post! So glad you started your blog, your wife is a smart lady. Your MW responses were so creative, glad to see you getting that creativeness out for everyone to enjoy. I’m curious if she ever responded, but I’m guessing she didn’t as you mentioned Sarah helped you set up your blog.

  14. Congrats on 100!! That’s a LOT of Don. But, I love it. 🙂 Strange that I do, but I do.

  15. 100? What a coincidence. I would have time to follow about 100 more blogs if your posts weren’t so damned long. Guess that means you’re worth 100 normal bloggers. Congrats.

  16. cookie1986 says:

    Aww! Congrats on your 10oth post, WP Bestie. I’ll be at it more regularly again soon!

  17. i always appreciate a good amusing man, so i’m glad i found you. i also spent the first month or so of blogging not having a clue about tagging and such and have some lost and lonely posts from last year. hate that! so i’ll go check out some of yours. 🙂 happy 100. no cake for you. go run. hahaha

  18. rebecca2000 says:

    I’m glad you started blogging. It was great getting to know you over the time. I will be at one year on the 18th of this month.

  19. Where would we be without Don? Probably in an asinine-free blogosphere but, heck, it’d be less amusing. Congrats on the big 1-oh-oh.

  20. gimpet says:

    Don, I am coming up on my 200th and I am stealing this idea. It is wonderful and a great way for us later bloomers to get to know you. You have found your calling in blogging, and I am happy to be a follower!

  21. flyingplatypi says:

    Congrats on 100!! I started a blog for a similar reason… My friends thought I should share my asinine ideas with the world, instead of just Facebook. Facebook is funny that way.



  22. mollytopia says:

    Hooray Don! 100 posts is no joke. I love your blog so much. The first post of yours I read was the one about pressing your ass, or someone else’s ass(?), against the car window when leaving the wine-tasting tour. Hooked. Immediately. I’ve laughed out loud at your posts until I cried, and have loved every single one. The “winch for wayward fat asses” will never leave me hahaha. Keep up the great work – you’re amazing. Please thank your wife for me for encouraging you to start this blog so you could ignore your family and talk to us. Going to read your very first post now so I can like the shit out of it and comment and carry on.

  23. Daile says:

    Yay! I’m excited to see what sort of trash you can come up with for another 100 posts. Bollocks to you!

  24. Nadia says:

    Your blog is 100 posts old! Congratulations, and I’m looking forward to many more hopefully inappropriate ones.

  25. Pingback: Old 100, Sing! | A Good One

  26. djmatticus says:

    Hooray! Congrats on reaching the 100 post milestone! Thanks for all the laughs. I’m excited about what Don will come up with over the next 100 posts.

  27. 100, Don?! Bitchin’. I plan to do some reading over the next few days and get caught up. Congrats numbnuts!!

  28. I too have conditions on FB friendship… Some of my friends have almost Teen kids and I heard one of them say “Can I add Auntie to my FB” and her mom said “Not until you’re 30”.

  29. Todd Akin–I’d heard about that comment but not who said it. What a jerk….

  30. I think that was a wise move, getting you off FB and onto WP!

    Congrats on the 100 posts. I’ve been around longer, but I’m rubbish at posting so I’ve not even made 50 posts yet. Time to do something about that, methinks.

  31. TIA says:

    I can just imagine soles responses to this on Facebook!! LOL… HILARIOUS:)

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