don of all trades

Happy Saturday!

While we’re off to do family fun activities that I can only hope will lead to some great blog material, the rest of you are no doubt watching football or maybe baking since so many of you are of the female persuasion? No, women like football too, right?

Anyway, thanks to the tens of you who voted for donofalltrades over at Blogger-Idol this week.  I had enough votes to carry me on to week 3, but as the competition tightens, I’ll need all the help from my great followers that I can get. Thanks in advance.

For those who missed last weeks assignment, it was to write a newspaper assignment about a fictitious crime we committed. My contribution is below.

Special thanks to Kristi at Finding Ninee for being my sleeping balls on face victim.

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Nutsonface, MO – Residents of this normally quiet suburban community will sleep easier tonight after learning the man police dubbed the Nutsonface Burglar was arrested this morning after assaulting a man in a local Denny’s and then leading police on a high speed chase.

For six months, police have been stymied by a number of burglaries they say were all committed by the same person.  The burglaries were peculiar because nothing was taken during any of the over ninety break-ins.  Many victims told police that they would have never known their house was burglarized had they not received the burglar’s calling card in their mailbox, a photo of the sleeping victim with a man’s genitals upon their forehead as they slept. Each picture had a note written on back.

Photos obtained by The Nutsonface Times included notes on back like “Nice blinker (expletive)” or “Thanks for the courtesy wave, (expletive)!”

Police spokesman Harry Ballsacht made the following statement:

Nutsonface Police responded to a Denny’s Restaurant where it was reported that a man assaulted a victim, apparently because the victim didn’t thank the suspect for holding a door open for him.

Shortly after arriving, officers located and attempted to stop a maroon minivan with a missing hubcap that matched the vehicle described by witnesses as the one in which the suspect and a three or four year old boy entered, but it would not stop. After a lengthy pursuit, officers were able to catch up to the van when it apparently ran out of gas.  Officers chased the suspect on foot for approximately forty-eight feet before he collapsed from exhaustion and was taken into custody. We believe this man is the Nutsonface Burglar.

Ballsacht took no questions from the press, but witnesses told The Times that shortly after 8:30 AM this morning, a man, later identified as Donofalltrades, became irate when his Moon Over My Hammy breakfast sandwich was served on rye instead of sourdough bread.

A nearby diner, Tubby Middle, said that Mr. Trades had been sitting in a booth with a little boy waiting for their food when he suddenly screamed at his smart phone, “These (expletive) jellies!”  He then pounded the phone on the table in anger.

“He looked right at  me and said that he’d played the same level 472 times without clearing the jellies and was starting to lose his mind,” said Mrs. Middle. “My daughter, Rotunda, said he was talking about some Candy Crush game. The waitress left to fix the problem, but he was still seething mad, you could tell.”

When the waitress returned with the correct sandwich, the new plate had grits instead of hash browns and Mr. Trades snapped.

“He flipped that table over before storming away mad as heck!” said Mrs. Middle.

While exiting, Mr. Trades held the door open for a man police have identified as Jack Hoff, who was coming into Denny’s as Mr. Trades was leaving.  When Mr. Hoff failed to say thank you to Mr. Trades for holding the door open, Mr. Trades confronted the victim and an argument ensued. The argument turned violent and ended with an unconscious Mr. Hoff lying back down on the ground with his newspaper protruding from his mouth.

The Denny’s hostess, H.S. Dropout, told The Times she was stunned at the assault, but nearly fainted when she saw the suspect drop his pants, place his testicles on the unconscious man’s forehead and take a picture before laughing and leaving the scene.

“I called police because I knowed it was that burglar!” Dropout said. “They got here fast and seen the van because the man was having trouble buckling the little boy’s car seat. That car seat had him all sorts of mad.”

It’s believed that Mr. Trades is responsible for over ninety-two burglaries. Police say Mr. Trades admitted he’d become so aggravated with people being rude in public that he decided to follow someone home once to assault him. He told police that he waited until it was late, but once inside, he didn’t have the heart to assault anyone so he just decided to photograph his genitals on the sleeping man’s forehead instead.

“It just came to me. It was funny and made me chuckle, so I kept doing it whenever somebody (expletive) me off,” said Mr. Trades. “I never meant to hurt anyone.”

You, you sir, are one funny bastard! This was very entertaining and the names, holy balls the names! Great use of dialogue too. I have a list of another 50 people for you to teabag after this competition is over. Keep up the great work. –Manderstanding

Overall I felt that this was a good piece. The names were creative, yes, but I started to get a little lost there in the middle and had to re-read it several times to get everything to make sense. The ending seemed a bit abrupt to me as well. Nice work! –Non-Stop Mom

Very funny premise for a crime, and yes, the names were awesome. Your writing made me chuckle quite a bit, but seemed to ramble a bit toward the end. I think your hilarious and out-there content will keep you around for a while, but don’t neglect the technical side of your writing. Run-on sentences make me stabby. –Crazed In The Kitchen

This was great. You always make a statement, but you do it with a laugh. Omg – Ballsacht? All the names killed me! Loved what you were arrested for. So creative and entertaining. So true to you, Mr. Trades. Or should I call you Nutsonface? –Ice Scream Mama

I LOVED the names! Great creativity. The premise is hilarious and I seriously think my husband could end up being a copycat! I got a little lost in the middle part, toward the end. It became a little hard to follow and seemed rushed or even a bit unorganized. All around this was a great effort that I enjoyed reading! Good job! –Razorblade Brain