I remember an old classmate, who knows why…

The brain is a funny organ.

When it gets injured or otherwise goes haywire for whatever reason, people can seem trapped inside otherwise healthy bodies that aren’t responding because their brain won’t fire correctly.

So many people suffering from some sort of dementia can’t remember the names of their loved ones, but could tell you the rules to a card game, or remember the address to their childhood home they haven’t visited in over 65 years. It’s craziness.

The brain is even a mystery when it’s working normally. For me, I don’t have the slightest clue why I’m able to remember some things from long ago in fairly intricate detail, but I oftentimes can’t remember what I did just weeks or even days before (alcohol jokes not appreciated, thank you).

Sometimes, I’ll just see something and it’ll trigger a memory about a person or place instantly, such as during my jog this afternoon when I saw a banner in front of a Mexican restaurant flaunting a not so great margarita special (in my opinion) every Thursday starting March 12th.

I guess something in my brain associated March 12th and Mexican with Mark Martinez because I spent the next two miles thinking about Mark even though I hadn’t for years and years.

Who is Mark Martinez?

On August 13, 1991, I was 18 years old and living in a college dorm because soccer practices started before most people had to report for classes. It was mostly the soccer players and other fall sport athletes on campus, so it’s possible that I had practice twice that day and spent the rest of the time screwing off or getting drunk. I’m sure I was doing something stupid for sure. It was my freshman year and I was just stepping into an exciting new chapter of my life.

On that same date, 45 or so miles to the west, Mark Martinez was in a section of St. Louis City that I’d be patrolling only eight or so years after this day. In 1991 though, Mark had been partying with a friend and wasn’t ready for the night to be over, even though it was after 4 am.

Mark was also 18 years old, and by this time, I hadn’t seen him in several years. I didn’t know the Mark who was trying to buy drugs from a group of people in a dangerous neighborhood at the same time I was probably sleeping off a night of drinking myself, safe and sound in my dormitory bedroom.

I was at the cusp of beginning the best years of my life, and while I was probably dreaming of a bright future, Mark died in the driver’s seat of his 1987 Dodge Charger. Drug deals can be very hairy, especially late at night and into the morning when everyone involved has been boozing all night. Shit can happen real fast, and it did to Mark. A bullet tore through his chest and did what bullets can do.

It occurred to me, during my run, that Mark’s birthday is today, March 12th. 

I remember this because my birthday is a few days before his and we shared parties at school. Every year, I’ve remembered Mark on March 12th.

I went to a Catholic school for four years of my life, and Mark was a classmate and a friend. He was an excellent athlete and could always give me a run for my money when we competed.

The Mark I remember invited me to his house for a birthday party the likes of which a young DOAT had never seen. He was very Mexican and his family was large and liked to have fun. That’s all I’ll say about that party.

He also had a bike that I coveted. It was a Mongoose Bike, and it had mag wheels. I always wanted a bike with mag wheels instead of spoked wheels, but never did get one. Once, at a fish fry at the school, I fell down on the playground and Mark accidentally rode his mag wheeled bike over my head. Literally, he rode it over my head like a speed bump. It’s no exaggeration to say that the knot on my forehead was the size of a baseball.

I was 10 years old and remember walking the mile or so it took to get to my baby sitter’s house crying the whole way. One of the sitter’s older daughters finally found me and comforted me until my mom picked me up. It’s a silly thing to remember, but I can remember the exact place on the parking lot where it happened.

My brain has also just reminded me that I get to do happy hour tonight to celebrate the birthday/going away to Afghanistan of a friend of mine, so now I’m super happy! I’m going to my favorite law school bar! I haven’t been there to drink in geez, months and months for sure.

So that you too will be happy when you leave this ridiculous post, please watch the video below.

My friend Stephanie from Mommy For Real is one of those people who has musical talent. She started a thing she called Parentz Bop and asked her blogger type friends to send her a song parody about parenting, so I wrote a quickie that I hope you’ll like! It’s worth it just to hear Steph sing and play the piano!

Enjoy!

Click here to listen to my lyrics parodying the popular song Brave!

 

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , | 50 Comments

Happy Birthday Me – a FTSF

I’m writing this on my phone because, screw you workplace computer!!

It’s turning out to be a pretty glorious Friday, my friends.

It started out as most any other Friday does, with me rolling groggily out of bed while cursing myself for those last ten beers I probably could have done without. One day I’ll learn that five or six is plenty, but the Blues were playing on TV, dammit!

I peed, showered and then completely forgot to shave my stubble away. “Fuck it,” I thought to myself. “It’s Friday and it’s your birthday, so do what you want, Don.”

What I wanted to do is crawl back into bed with my wife, but I remained strong and dressed myself for work in spite of my body’s protestations.

I made myself a delicious protein shake in my shaker cup, checked Jojo’s pulse (she woke to see another day, so I let her out to pee) and caught the honkey bus to work with plenty of time to spare.

​At some point on the ride in it dawned on me that I completely forgot the tie that I’d draped over the back of the couch to wear today. Remember that delicious protein shake I made myself? Guess what? Yep, I forgot that mother fucker too!! It’s resting in my car’s cup holder as I type this, mocking me.

It’s going to be 60 degrees today, so I’m hoping the milk doesn’t get too funky by the time I get back to my car this afternoon.

​Is 41 the age where I lose my mind completely? I don’t feel older today. I mean I feel hung over a little bit and sore from running five miles yesterday, but I think I’m still fairly capable, physically. While it’s not totally unusual that I’d forget one thing, three things is not cool. I guess I should just be happy I remembered to put pants on.

​I was all ready to have an angry pity party and scream out loud about how this day can go fuck itself, but then I looked at my phone and saw that I had a lovely text message and then phone call from my mom, because she insists on singing happy birthday to me even now, at this advanced age.

​I got a couple more text messages from family and friends and then a whole shit load of happy birthdays from a lot of great friends on Facebook. I know it only takes a few seconds to type “Happy Birthday you old fuck!” or “Happy Birthday, you’re old as shit now” or “I wish you were dead!” but still, so many people did take those few seconds out of their lives to acknowledge me, before I even had a cup of coffee, that I was touched! Thanks to those of you who sent me good wishes.

​When I got settled into my office, I remembered that I needed to razz an acquaintance of mine who is due to have a baby soon. I found out a little while back that her husband and her were going to name their son to be Louis and call him Louie. While she thought it was the cutest thing ever, I assured her that it was stupid and that the first thing that came to my mind when she said Louis was, well Louis!

donnieredotcom.files.wordpress.com/2014/03/20140307-121659.jpg” alt=”20140307-121659.jpg” class=”alignnone size-full” />

She seethed in her charming little way (she’s way too nice to seethe properly) and I found it so amusing that I decided to send her Louis pictures from time to time to bother her.

Louie Anderson
Louis Armstrong
Louis Vuitton
Louis Farrakhan
Louis XIV!

There were so many on my list that I never got to send because when I sent her my Louis picture of the day this morning, her response was this:

donnieredotcom.files.wordpress.com/2014/03/20140307-123046.jpg” alt=”20140307-123046.jpg” class=”alignnone size-full” />

Little Louis is going to share a birthday with DOAT!!!

This little nugget of information made me so so happy!! His mother would no doubt clench her mom parts like never before to avoid this, if she only could, so that makes it extra special for me. It’s like a Schadenfreude sort of thing perhaps.

Well, I was ready to wrap up this FTSF post on a high note by saying that “What I really want to scream out loud is that life is pretty great, when you’re surrounded by so many great people…” but alas, life threw me a curve ball literally as I was going to type how great this day has been already.

​I just got a message that a dear friend is in bad shape in the ICU of a local hospital. Rats to you for not letting me have a perfect day, life!!

​Still, thanks to all of you who’ve made me feel special today, and that includes anybody who is reading this. If you’re taking the time to do so, it means a lot to me.

Posted in Finish the sentence Friday, Uncategorized | Tagged , , | 43 Comments

Coming out and photographic proof that i’m winning at parenting…

It’s no secret, that a person unfamiliar with this here blog would notice, pretty immediately, that 94% of the people who read and comment on this garbage are women.

Women be bloggin’!!

While I enjoy the online company of the awesome ladies I’ve met, as well as the four men who comment on my blog semi-regularly, I wanted to expand my reach beyond the cat lovers, KSU alum (gross) and circus kin I love so dearly. You know who you are.

So, even though I’ve sort of fought it for the year and three months this blog has been around, I’ve finally decided to be honest and come out of the closet with a facet of my life that I’m ashamed of.

Why the fuck not, right? I mean God made me what I am and there’s nothing I can do about it now. Once I penetrated the opening with my man love wand, I was labeled and there was no turning back.

I’m a dad.

I sometimes blog.

I am at least a part time dad blogger!

I don’t know why, but I’ve sort of resisted the whole dad blogger label even though I don’t have any other label to go with. You know, it’s the whole “ofalltrades” thing that I sort of like about myself. I guess I didn’t want to get pigeon holed into always writing about my dadventures with the children. See what I did there? There’s a lot of potential in dad blogging, right?

Dadding is pretty fun, I’m not horrible at it, and the blog content practically writes itself.

Is that a word, dadding? Fathering I guess is the correct word, but that’s dumb. Who says father anymore? Fuck, I don’t know. Who cares either? The point is that I’m back in the saddle here and finally embracing my dadness.

I found a pretty cool dad bloggers group on Facebook. I’m not allowed to share what’s discussed in that group, because what happens in the dad’s bloggers group stays in the dad bloggers group. I may have said too much already, in fact.

It’s mostly dads supporting dads and all that good stuff. I will admit that it took me a while to embrace those men, however.

Did you know that there are men out there who stay at home with their kids all day while their wives work? Not just in the way that Micheal Keaton did in that movie because he was laid off, but on purpose!

I know, right? Mind.Fucking.Blown!!!

There are straight dads and gay dads and tall dads too. Some dads are fighting for the right to change their baby’s diaper on a changing station in public areas by demanding that companies end the stereotyping of the woman being the only one who can or will change a diaper by putting some damn changing tables in their men’s rooms too. And to think that I would do a happy dance to myself whenever there wasn’t a changing table in the men’s room!

Honestly, joining this group made me wonder for a little while if I suck as a dad.

I certainly don’t volunteer to change a diaper, especially one that I know has shit in it. I mean, I guess if I knew my wife would jump my bones for changing a shitty diaper, I’d volunteer, but not for much else. We’re on the third kid now; I’ve changed my share of diapers. Is it as many as my wife? No, not even close.

I’m not a stay at home dad either. I can barely tolerate staying home with the kids alone for a single day, let alone multiple days or five days a week for 18 fucking years! It’s just not my thing. The kids, even though they’re really well behaved, are exhausting. They always have to eat and poop and when that happens, somebody has to have a diaper changed or their butt needs to be wiped and then the dogs want to go outside, even though it’s raining, and it’s on and on and on, all fucking day!

Going back to work is a relief!!

Does that make me a bad dad or any less of a dad than these other dudes who really enjoy and embrace their stay at home dad roles?

I say no.

Dads are people and all people are different. Our differences needn’t make any of us better than others who are doing their best. We show our love in different ways, and as long as our loved ones know we love them and our kids wake up to live another day, then we’re doing just fine.

Not enough for you? Okay then, how’s about I show you then.

Here are 14 random ways I know I’m winning at parenting:

1. EVERYONE enjoys bathtime.Beanbag chair in the bathroom helps daddy at #winning bathtime

Beanbag chair in the bathroom helps daddy at #winning bathtime

2. Pfffft, this kid didn’t get to be this fucking cool because hid dad is a lame ass, that’s for sure.

580862_4762967442360_455110333_n

Coolest kid ever.

3. Boy has a lady stalker on day ONE of preschool. Day ONE!

558248_4465412043661_369651437_n

Yes son, this one digs you.

4. This dad’s girl don’t eat no salad. Meat and ketchup and taters and bacon and eggs, oh my!

543732_4093014013943_1031451514_n

Eats like her dad…#winning

5. They paid their respects to my dead dog, Natty with prayers and yes, Natty Light.

405051_4940710845834_2048732752_n

Please bring Natty home to you, Jesus, and thanks for beer.

6. They know how to do the beach right.

390944_3019861825809_2138783950_n

Cutest passed out pose ever?

7. Perfectly happy with an 89 cent balloon.

250357_2251704822364_7986210_n

OMG, what’s an iPad!!??

8. The Cowboys. ‘Nuff said.

1904165_10203181179440576_833134087_n

PS: We’re still bitter about the Tom Landry ouster in the DOAT household.

9. Come on, this just reeks of winning and you know it.

1900103_10203185835596977_1756214432_n

Pee like a man, shrinkage be damned!

10. Daddy leans more crips, but whatever, yo. Still winning.

1395915_10202190846922882_1987833703_n

Suburban gangster…

11. They’re even happy during time out for fuck’s sake.

securedownload (2)

Derrrrr!!

12. Hooters = winning, always.

27239_1394905482916_2663476_n

We love the wings!

13. Winning at baseball in Walmart because dad is winning at parenting.

303911_2345774894057_854833605_n

Sent that baby all the way to Electronics

14. Our passion for love and diversity.

269423_2159181749345_7183114_n (1)

Why did that white man hand me this lil baby??

Are you buying that I’m winning at being a dad, or are you thinking about calling child protective services on me?

Posted in Family, Parenting, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , | 126 Comments

We could use to hear more about everyday heroes, even tragic ones…

I’m sort of loathe to hit publish on this.

I’ve been feeling sort of blah this week, and I don’t really know why. I’m not down or anything, just indifferent I guess, especially towards blogging. Maybe it’s all the snow and cold, who knows?

This post is a total buzzkill, so if you’re looking for a laugh, please turn away as there are none to be had here today. There’s not really a point to it, other than writing makes me feel a little better, like I’m accomplishing something, so there’s that.

Almost all of the information below, along with both pictures, came from the St. Louis Post Dispatch articles written about the same thing.

——————————————————————————————-

On an otherwise typical May afternoon in 2010 , two St. Louis area men were driving in separate cars along a road that parallels a river that basically separates the City from the County here in St. Louis. This particular river, the River Des Peres, varies in water depth almost daily. It could be bone dry in the morning, only to have its banks swelled with running water later in the day, after a good rain storm.

On this particular day, the river was fairly deep.

The two men, one just returning to work from his lunch break, and the other unemployed, both noticed what they recognized as a car protruding from the river. It was obvious to them that the car had just left the road and gone into the water.

The water is murky and cold, but both men react by pulling over and jumping into the river to free the driver, if they can. A police officer arrives and the three of them are able to pull the driver from the river, still alive, to waiting paramedics.

The men are understandably excited from adrenalin rushing through their bodies while talking to officers about what they saw and what they did.

Divers from the fire department arrive at the scene to do what they do.

About a half hour later, as the men are still talking on the banks of the river, they are suddenly deflated to see fire fighters and paramedics  emerge from the river with one more casualty.

Photo source: St. Louis Post Dispatch

Photo source: St. Louis Post Dispatch

A sheet over anything at a crime scene almost always means death. The bulging shape under the sheet is immediately recognizable to people who see it as being a car seat.

All the adrenalin that had folks amped up just seconds before is sucked right from their insides and is discarded as gasps of disbelief out of their mouths.

The baby in the car seat was seven months old.

Rest in peace little man.

Rest in peace little man. Photo source: St. Louis Post Dispatch

The car seat was strapped into the back seat of the car and was impossible to see under the murky water. Even so, the men can’t help but question themselves about what more they could have done.

The driver of the car was the boy’s young father. He would die two weeks later as a result of this accident.

Months later, while receiving one of several awards from the community for their heroic efforts in trying to help a total stranger whose life was in danger, the two men are still clearly affected by this incident.

One man has generally avoided the media on purpose, while the other granted interviews and admitted that he still has nightmares about the drowning and has panic attacks or otherwise simply becomes overwhelmed by his feelings.

In some respects, police officers and firefighters are lucky that there are always other calls like this that will need to be handled. Whereas the two civilian men may never find themselves in another situation where they could save a life, emergency workers will, and have the luxury of forgetting past “failures” and putting forth our best efforts to “win” the next time. There isn’t time to worry about what could have been.

I very rarely think back to any incident I handled and worry about what I could have done differently. I would generally just swallow my feelings about an emotional incident, have a few beers after work maybe, and then move on with life. Occasionally, I’d talk about it with my wife or another cop, if they were there too, but not very often.

For whatever reason, the scene described above has been on my mind, off and on, for three years. I got choked up a little bit even revisiting the incident today. I wasn’t at this scene and had nothing to do with any of it. I know the officer who jumped in to try to save the driver, but I’ve never asked him about it once. I meant to send him a message to tell him I was proud of his efforts, but I don’t even think I did that. Maybe I kept thinking about it because when this happened, G$ was just a few months older than the baby who died and I was reminded of it every time I saw G$ strapped in his car seat. Maybe it was because that location was so close to where I lived and I’ve driven past it thousands of times in my life. Maybe it’s because not long after this boy died, another child was found dead across the street in the same area. He was allegedly killed by his own mother, who faked an abduction to try to cover the crime. It’s normally such a quiet area, so these events were strange occurrences.

The world can seem like such a cold and shitty place. Turn on the news and it’s one story after another about things like this or about people hurting other people.

That stuff sells, and I get that, but it can be overwhelmingly negative and deflating after a while.

Maybe my mind keeps reminding me of this terrible incident because on one otherwise typical May afternoon, in my little part of the world, two strangers risked their lives to try to save another stranger from dying. That sort of thing happens a lot, really. A lot of people do like to help other people.

That doesn’t sell as well as death and hate; I get that.

Actually, no, I don’t get that. I can read about good Samaritan stories all day long.

Surely, I’m not the only one, am I?

Posted in Police Stories, The not meant to be funny stuff, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , | 82 Comments

All mature and stuff…someday.

Hey all, it’s another Finish the Sentence Friday! Join in on the fun, if you haven’t yet.

This week the sentence starter is: A funny thing happened on my way to…

—————————————————————————–

I used to wonder if I’d ever get there.

Would I make it?

Was I smart enough?

Tall enough?

Was I mature enough?

It turns out I don’t care.

You see….

A funny thing happened on my way to… growing up.

Just a couple of days ago, while sitting at the table enjoying my bowl of Lucky Charms, I realized that I was alone. There were no children running and screaming or dogs panting in my face or click clacking on the tile to drive me insane. It was just my cereal and me.

To pass the unexpected and unusual alone time, I turned the Lucky Charms box around to see what sort of puzzles or games or interesting reading material cereal boxes had nowadays, and was irked to find that the back of the box was the same as the front. Another Lucky the Leprechaun! Two fronts? That’s stupid.

Reading the cereal box while eating a bowl of cereal used to be classic kid behavior. I’ve never seen any of my kids do it. I don’t know if all the cereal boxes are like this or not, but let’s hope not. I was annoyed, but when I flipped the television on, Scooby-Doo was on. Not one of the new episodes where Velma has the hots for Shaggy and apparently Daphne and Fred are fucking because Fred hasn’t come out of the closet yet. Whatever! Those suck.

The old school Scooby-Doo was on and I was happy, so I dribbled cereal milk down my chin while I became immersed in mystery tv of the best kind.

It turns out that the kid who used to like to sit at the kitchen table watching cartoons or the Lone Ranger or that goddamned Romper Room woman who never did see me in her little mirror, while eating bowl after bowl of sugary cereal, is now an adult who still likes to watch cartoons and eat sugary cereals. A six-pack, a bowl of  Count Chocula and a few hours of Family Guy is a good night! If there’s a Blues or Cards game to flip between as well, then bonus!

I mostly went to public grade school and fully expected to attend the local public high school with all my junior high chums. The glitch was that my very best friend at the time was a Catholic school lad. He convinced my mom that I should at least apply to the same private high school that his brother attended and that he was going to attend. In order to persuade me that I’d enjoy it, he and his brother brought me to a high school soccer playoff game that the school was playing in.

It was pretty kick ass.

There were hundreds, if not thousands of people at the Soccer Park that night. The kids were screaming and cheering and had some really funny chants that they’d yell out from time to time. I’m pretty sure our school won, and I’ll never forget the coach, Ebbie Dunn, being interviewed by a local sportscaster. Media? I was hooked.

Somehow or other, I got accepted to that high school and I’m a better person for it. I’d have gotten a fine education at the public high school, but SLUH really crammed writing down our throats. Plus, we won the state championship in soccer my senior year for Coach Dunn, so that was pretty cool. He hadn’t won it since 1973 before that, so it was special. Ironically, we had to beat the public school I would have attended had I not been accepted into SLUH in the quarter finals. That was bitter sweet. Sorry guys.

Surely this semi-hoity toity school would make me grow up, right?

Wrong.

I did some pretty stupid things in high school that needn’t be rehashed here since, even though I’m pretty sure the statute of limitations has run on most of them, they’re somewhat embarrassing. Suffice to say, I knew, my senior year, as I was running naked in the backyard at my pal’s house with my Natural Light 12 pack box on my head calling myself Sir Drinksalot the Knight, that I was not quite there mentally. Close, but not grown up yet.

College? That’ll do it, right?

Wrong.

I was getting there at one point, I was sure of it.

The soccer coach had whipped me into shape pretty good and I was doing fine in school.

You know you might party a bit too much when more than ten people approach to ask you in a surprised voice, “Did I see that YOU made the Dean’s List?”

Yeah fuckers, I did!!!

Geez, I liked to have fun, yes, but I was no idiot. Insulting questions aside, I do get how they could be surprised. I mean, I NEVER missed a party.

Graduating and throwing myself into the work force hasn’t done the trick either.

I moved to Texas after college and worked for Budweiser. If I thought I drank a lot in college and was going to finally get a chance to dry up, I was sorely mistaken. Beer people drink like fish!

The jackassery continued as I was paid to hang out in bars and convince people to drink Budweiser products for several years.

Nobody can grow up into an adult in such an environment, so I went back to St. Louis to become a police officer. That sounds like a very adult thing to do, right?

It sort of is, I guess. I mean there is a lot of responsibility involved, but somehow, it hasn’t done the trick either.

I’ve tried everything.

I got married. I went to law school and passed the bar exam. I bought a house. I traded my pickup truck in for an SUV. I had kids and then bought a bigger house.

None of it worked.

Flip Flops? This is probably not how adults behave.

Flip Flops? This is probably not how adults behave.

If anything, the kids have kept me youthful and will probably keep me from ever “growing up,” whatever that really entails.

I still giggle when I hear words like anus or titty or when Cool farts. I say giggity and that’s what she said without even realizing it anymore. I’m okay with that.

Tonight, as I pound my beer and kick Cool and Ace’s ass in Mario Kart while G$ pokes me in my eyeball, I’ll be totally cool with not being a grown up.

As long as funny things keep happening along the way, that is.

——————————————————————————————

This has been a Finish the Sentence Friday post. Today’s sentence is “I once saw something funny on the way to…” and was provided by the lovely Kenya from Here’s the Thing who will be co-hosting with us this evening, so show her some love.

Haha, I realize just now that I fucked the sentence up but it’s too late to change now!

Hosts:
Janine: Janine’s Confessions of a Mommyaholic
Kate: Can I get another bottle of whine?
Stephanie: Mommy, for Real
Kristi: Finding Ninee!

Posted in Finish the sentence Friday, Humor, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 37 Comments

Grease

Test reblog. no new content.

donofalltrades's avatardon of all trades

The tension in the air was palpable.

It always is, but it’s worse when the weather is so unbearably hot and the air is thick with humidity.

Twelve police officers circled around a slick suited detective in a vacant parking lot discussing their entry strategy.

At twenty minutes before 5AM, the hope was that the target would be asleep, along with anybody else who might be inside the condo.

What’s inside the condo?

You’re sure about the target?

Yes.

Drugs?

Yes.

Guns?

Yes.

Kids.

Yes.

People other than the target?

Yes.

Anything else?

Dogs. The target has a couple of huge dogs. Rottweillers I think.

The snitch has told them all that he knows.

He’s a drug addict, yes, but he’s been reliable in the past. He gets paid for information, but the information is always good.

The snitch says that the target plans to kill a rival drug dealer…

View original post 993 more words

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Dads are pretty too…

Damn you, women!

I was perfectly content to sit my fat ass on the couch and pound beers after the hockey game (Blues win, by the way), but you had to drag me into your thing.

Some wonderful blogger moms are showing off how regular moms look by asking, “Who are you wearing?” to moms instead of fancy ass actresses on red carpets. I think it’s a great idea.

My own wife could wear a fluorescent brown moo-moo and hiking boots and I’d think it was hot. Hey, moms are hot shit, especially while they’re playing with their kids. A little spittle or vomit or shit or milk or tears or wine or whatever is staining mom’s favorite Frankie Say Relax t-shirt isn’t going to do anything but make her more beautiful to a man who’s in love with her, so take that women! Quit being so hard on yourselves!

Anyway, moms ain’t the only ones who don’t always feel real purty. Dads get puked on too, ya know?!

With that in mind and 8 Bud Light Limes in my belly now, I’m horning in on their good time and great concept.

I’m a beautiful dad.

“What are you wearing, beautiful dadly Don?”

“Oh hello there, Joan Rivers, you old hag. Thanks for asking.”

It’s a Tuesday night and I went for a jog. I smell like ass and feet and ass, but I’m still pretty and loved.

Rephresh? Has anyone heard of this? It’s a commercial that was just on and distracting me because they just said after douching I think. Can you say that??

Lol, where was I?

Ah, yes, I am loved.

Not to gloat online, but I got some tongue love just tonight.

I think I taste anus.

I think I taste anus.

That’s Carly smooching me while the wife was upstairs. My “Big Balls” sweatshirt is from an adult kickball/excuse to drink on a Sunday league and one of my many standard issue hoodies that I enjoy wearing during these nasty winter months. See the white spot on the bottom right? That’s sour cream. Cool gave me a nice “hug” which was really just a way for him to wipe his chin on something other than the napkin he had available to him at dinner. Jojo, my 12 year old piece of crap lab, doesn’t get up for many things. Pork, beef, cheese and apparently, when the younger Carly is horning in on her man.

Ugh, this is only like five beers in, I swear.

Ugh, this is only like five beers in, I swear.

There was almost an ugly cat fight between the two lady dogs, but there’s plenty of daddy love to go around, bitches (they are technically bitches, lighten up).

Threeway!

Threeway!

I was totally making out with the pretty girls instead of cleaning the kitchen, so the wife is gonna be less than thrilled when she sees the kitchen tomorrow morning. It’s ok though, dear. This who am I wearing is for a good cause, right? Is it?

Every chance I get, I wear blue. Even a dad wants to look his best for his loved ones, and blue clothes bring out the blue in my eyeballs. It’s like eight degrees outside and we don’t have money to blow on heat, so this $6 dollar ear warmer is perfect. I’ve had this blue sleeved t-shirt for 4 years now. It’s a Walmart shirt and one of my favorites.

It's cold as fuck in the house.

It’s cold as fuck in the house.

You may notice that I wear glasses now. These set me back $23! I know, right? High rolla!!!

Not on the toilet, I swear.

Not on the toilet, I swear.

There’s my Adidas Shorts! I love my soccer shorts. They are what I wear 88% of my life when I’m not forced to wear pantaloons at work because “the man” is a dick. Oh, and of course the Bud Light Lime. Bottles of Bud Light Lime are to me what I guess jewelry is to other moms, er parents.

They smell even worse than they look.

They smell even worse than they look.

I’m Adidas casual from my head to my toes tonight. These disgusting flip flops are a staple in my life. If I’m not at work or jogging or mowing the lawn, then I’m wearing these babies. Love ’em. Ha ha, yes, I totally used an old picture from when I hadn’t trimmed my nails in weeks! You’re welcome.

As a dad, it’s not so important that I look good or even presentable in public, as long as I’m teaching the kids to be beautiful human beings. Their class more than makes up for my lack thereof. As you can see, they all dress so well that nobody would even notice me if I did wear fancy pants clothing.

Ace wears whatever she feels like. She’s never been a girlie girl, whatever that is. She is what she is and we love her for it.

Wears whatever she wants.

Wears whatever she wants.

G$ is G$. Let’s move on…

White trash baby...

White trash baby…

Cool is all about the superhero clothes. Fuck…always with the superhero stuff! Hey, he’s cute, so it works.

Superhero is the new Polo

Superhero is the new Polo

Anyway, this crap is pretty much standard operating procedure with respect to “What are you wearing?” at the DOAT house. There’s no Gucci or Armani or whatever is even cool anymore, but we be happy, and that’s all that matters. This was my late night, semi-intoxicated attempt to hang out with the cool girls again. Link up and play along right here….

Join!

Join!

Posted in Humor, Parenting, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , | 103 Comments

Grease

The tension in the air was palpable.

It always is, but it’s worse when the weather is so unbearably hot and the air is thick with humidity.

Twelve police officers circled around a slick suited detective in a vacant parking lot discussing their entry strategy.

At twenty minutes before 5AM, the hope was that the target would be asleep, along with anybody else who might be inside the condo.

What’s inside the condo?

You’re sure about the target?

Yes.

Drugs?

Yes.

Guns?

Yes.

Kids.

Yes.

People other than the target?

Yes.

Anything else?

Dogs. The target has a couple of huge dogs. Rottweillers I think.

The snitch has told them all that he knows.

He’s a drug addict, yes, but he’s been reliable in the past. He gets paid for information, but the information is always good.

The snitch says that the target plans to kill a rival drug dealer later in the day because he thinks the rival shot at him two weeks before, right on the very lot where the officers are planning this raid. There is a search warrant, ostensibly procured for drugs, but saving a huge group of teens and young adults from expanding a violent feud beyond where it is right now is the real purpose.

It’s curbing the violence, if you will.

Big Lou is already holding the steel. His two big hands are gripping two steel handles welded onto a one hundred plus pound steel cylinder.

Lou will bust the door down on the first strike as he always does.

JT and Grease will go in first, followed by Rick, Johnny and Fritz.

Lou will stay at the front door with another officer and the others will all take positions in the backyard and under the side windows. They’ll corral the runners or jumpers, if there are any.

JT and Grease have been partners for seven years. They ride in the same car every single shift.

They’ve been the first ones through the door together many times before.

They know each other and trust one another with their lives.

On this day, JT has forgone wearing his bullet proof vest because of the heat. Had he known the boys would recruit he and Grease for a search warrant, he’d have brought it to work this shift.

The vest will do him no good sitting on the floor in his walk-in closet.

That’s the image JT sees as he’s the first officer through the door.

Lou has busted the door wide open on the first strike, as he always does, and JT sees a television set on and two people sitting on a couch staring at it mindlessly.

His eyes are suddenly alerted to a man moving in the far corner of the living room. He is half in a closet and half leaning out. He recognizes the man as the target.

The right side of the target’s body is exposed, while his left half is hidden behind the wall of a coat closet.

In the target’s right hand is a gun.

“GUN!”

“GUUUN!!!!”

JT isn’t sure who is yelling gun, but it should be him. He was the first one in and saw it, but he can’t take his eyes off of it to focus. He’s having a fit with tunnel vision.

Everything seems in slow motion when his brain finally clicks, snapping him to again. Before he’s all the way mentally back on this planet, back in the living room where he should be focused, his mind shows him that vest he should be wearing one more time.

The mental image of the vest laying on the carpeted floor of his closet makes him mutter, “Fuck” to himself, not loudly, but loud enough that the target hears him.

The target turns the gun towards JT, but Grease was already acting.

Grease has his vest on this day, ironically, because JT made him wear it. He instinctively ran in front of JT.

The target fires two or three shots, with several officers firing right back, almost instantaneously.

The target was struck multiple times; he lays dying on the scene, right there in his closet.

JT has fallen to the floor and is waiting for pain to engulf his body and the white light to shine on him, leading him to his next destination.

After a couple of moments, no light had shone and no pain was burning through his body anywhere.

JT rolled over and watched as all the other officers were busy containing the scene and clearing the house of other people.

Everybody was on their feet except Grease.

He had heard Grease shout out in pain, but JT was waiting to be hit with his own bullet and wasn’t fully aware what was going on with Grease.

JT saw an indention in Grease’s vest. The bullet didn’t go through, so maybe Grease just had the wind knocked out of himself from the force of the bullet.

JT rolled Grease over and was sickened by the amount of blood he saw. It had been hidden by Grease’s body and JT knew there wouldn’t be time to wait.

JT and Lou carried their brother to JT’s car and they raced him to the hospital.

JT and Lou carried Grease into the hospital with the help of some hospital staffers waiting at the door, all the way to the surgery table.

JT sat in a chair and replayed the scene in this head. Everything happened so fast.

“He took those bullets for you, JT.” Lou said as though he could read JT’s thoughts. “Those bullets were meant for you.”

The doctor returned to the waiting area and didn’t mince any words telling JT that his partner and friend was dead.

“The second bullet got him in the heart, JT. There was nothing…nothing that could be done.”

JT was crying before the doctor said bullet. He thought of his own kids and how they almost lost their daddy. The kids would be devastated at the loss of Grease, but at least they still had a father in their lives.

Grease didn’t have any kids, but he was still young enough that he could have someday. He didn’t date or have any hobbies either.

He was a good cop though. He was JT’s partner and his friend, and in the end, his savior. He took those bullets meant for JT by jumping in the air on purpose, right in the path of those bullets.

Later on at JT’s house, Lou told JT’s wife all about how JT had started to trip when Grease saw the target, ran, and then jumped up to take those bullets.

Lou was telling JT’s wife the story as she sobbed on the couch clutching Grease’s favorite tennis ball, the whole time staring blankly at the dog crate that Grease would never sleep in again.

Posted in Police Stories, Stories, The not meant to be funny stuff, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , | 144 Comments

FTSF…dumbest post ever? let’s hope it doesn’t get much worse!

Ok, so I wrote this below post while I was obliterating a twelve pack of Bud Light Lime last night. Don’t you judge me!

It’s a FTSF post. Against my better judgment, I’m going to post it even though I recognize it to be um, not my best work? Let’s go with that.

Here’s the sentence:

We can either be traditional or non-traditional in the way we do things, I…

I don’t have a clue where to go with this, so I’ll just start typing.

It’s a little after 9pm, and, as per tradition, I have missed the kickoff to Finish The Sentence Friday once again.

I’m pretty buzzed right now. I came home from work and had some cold ones while the Blues were on television beating the Rangers. The Blues are the local NHL (hockey) team, for those of you who are women or girly men or people who don’t reside in Canada. Ha, that whole sentence reeks of political incorrectness, but it’s staying.

That’s pretty traditional for a middle aged man, right? Coming home from a long day at work to drink and watch sports? Being politically incorrect is also a tradition with the men in my family, so there’s that as well.

Wife had a hair appointment this evening. That meant I was stuck with my blessed to have some alone time with the kids tonight.

First things first, we had a traditional funeral for a lost loved one. I’m sorry for the graphic depiction of the deceased’s insides spewing out, but the embalmer was terrible.

This poor chap was apparently left in the freezer the night before when I may or may not have also been drinking. I mean it was a Wednesday, right? Celebrating days that end in a “y” by drinking beer is sort of another tradition I have.

Yes, I'm aware that I have a problem.

Yes, I’m aware that I have a problem.

There were 57 varieties of leftovers in the refrigerator, but the kids coaxed me into making spaghetti for dinner.

While I’d like to believe that it’s because they love my cooking, I know the truth is that they simply wanted it to take longer for me to get dinner on the table because they were involved in a pretty intense game of something or other on the Wii.

I fed and bathed the little buggers. I rubbed their little bodies with lotion, even though I hate the feel of lotion all over my skin. I got their hair and teeth brushed, corralled all the necessary accouterments, such as G$’s precious brown blanket, and chucked them all into bed without any resistance.

The kids were really good tonight and I still find myself sitting here wondering just how in the flaming fuck single parents do what I just did everyday and not lose their mind?

Even with good kids, I’m exhausted, both mentally and physically. Plus, there’s still work to be done.

That pot of spaghetti and all these plates aren’t going to clean themselves.

Part of our tradition is that while one of us puts the kids to bed, the other cleans up the dinner mess. I could leave it for the wife I guess, since I did put the kids to bed. Cleaning dishes is traditionally woman’s work anyway, right?

I could almost hear your buttholes pucker upon reading that last sentence, ladies! Haha!!

I could totally do that, but wife would maybe put her foot in my ass and not participate in conjugals with me for an undetermined amount of time, so I guess I’ll clean them up. Sigh…

Seriously, how do you single parents do this shit? I also have to go online and order Ace’s yearbook and fill out paperwork for her middle school registration. Had wife not reminded me of this, it wouldn’t get done. I probably wouldn’t know anything about any of it to know to get it done. Were I a party of one raising these kids, it would be anarchy.

This post has gone terribly astray from anything to do with traditional or nontraditional anything, hasn’t it?

Let’s get back to that and wrap this piece of garbage up.

I would say that I’m more of a traditionalist than not.

I think American League baseball is shitty and will openly complain when the National League is forced to implement the designated hitter rule.

I only vacation where there is sand and sun and water. That’s a tradition I got from my own parents.

Don’t get me wrong, I love people who visit civil war sites or snow topped mountains instead of the beach on vacation, because there’s more room on the beach for my cooler and I, but it ain’t for me.

I like traditional holidays with family and I generally loathe major change of any kind.

It saddens me to see old neighborhoods in my city turning into blighted shitholes because nobody cares about them anymore. Seeing once proud churches and schools and businesses boarded up, never to be used as they had been before, just makes me a little nostalgic and sad.

Maybe longing for the way things were isn’t tradition, but I sometimes do. Maybe what I’m talking about is just habit or something that’s comforting only because it’s familiar.

I find myself doing the same things for and with my kids that my parents did for and with me.

They play the same sports that I played growing up.

We live in a cul-de-sac, just like I did as a child.

Is any of that stuff really tradition? Maybe not, but this is my space to write what I want, so, in keeping with tradition, I’m going to click publish anyway.

——————————————————————————————-

This has been a Finish the Sentence Friday post. The sentence is “We are both traditional, and non-traditional. I…” Today’s sentence was brought to you by Jean, of Mama Schmama. Her extra cool prize is that tonight, she’s a co-host, too! Go show her some love!

Finish the Sentence Friday
Hosts:
Janine: Janine’s Confessions of a Mommyaholic
Kate: Can I get another bottle of whine?
Stephanie: Mommy, for Real
Kristi: Finding Ninee

Posted in Finish the sentence Friday, Humor, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , | 70 Comments

My top 5 childhood fears…

Remember some of the things that were going to eventually kill all of us?

West Nile Virus? Bird Flu? SARS? Nicolas Cage movies? Remember?

What ever became of those dangers?

One minute everyone was worried about Mad Cow Disease, but then suddenly, somebody finally turned off the television and nobody cared anymore.

I sure don’t worry about these things today.

Do you know what else I don’t worry about anymore? Most of the things that scared me growing up. Remember what used to scare many of us twenty-five years ago?

Here are the top five things that scared me as a kid, in no particular order.

1. Nuclear war:

Good Lord I was afraid of those Soviets blowing me off the face of the planet! Decades after McCarthyism petered out, the threat of nuclear war and Ivan Drago’s brutal assault of Apollo Creed caused many young Americans to loathe an entire country of funny, furry hat wearing communists that 97% of us couldn’t even locate on a globe. Thankfully, Ronald Reagan and Rocky Balboa were there to keep us safe.

2. AIDS:

Remember the AIDS?

If I’m recalling it correctly, a monkey from Haiti came to the United States and had unprotected sex with a Republican senator from Tennessee, who shook hands with a young Bill Clinton, who then spread it to 40% of the population west of the Mississippi. Is that correct? No matter the source, it was a scary disease.

Could you get it from breathing it in or by touching hands with an infected person? Nobody was sure, so eventually, we all just decided that only gays and drug users could die from it, and that helped ease our minds. Magic Johnson tried to get it by contracting HIV, but he’s not gay or an intravenous drug user, so he’s been fine for 20 years now.

3. Quicksand:

“Quicksand, Don?”

I know, right?

I blame the Sunday morning Tarzan show for this one. People and animals were always falling into quicksand and there was no way out unless Tarzan was around to save you. There are no Tarzans or nearby swinging vines in the Midwest, so who the hell would have saved me?

“Oh there’s no quicksand in the United States, Don!”

BULLSHIT! You’re wrong, my friend. Long before Tarzan renewed my fear of quicksand, Cleavon Little and Mr. Taggart’s nearly lost $400 push-cart in Blazing Saddles had already gotten me thinking.

4. Sharks:

Thanks to JAWS, I managed to reside in the Midwest, 900 plus miles from the nearest ocean, and live in fear of giant sharks.

Asinine, right? Well, we always vacationed in Florida, and it only takes one dip in the ocean to become a victim. The risk always kept me in water no deeper than my knees and always swimming in pairs with a little brother. When you swim with a little brother, you needn’t be able to outswim a shark, just be able to outswim that brother.

I’m also going to include piranhas on this list, and again thank a movie for that unreasonable childhood fear.

5. Spectral child murderers:

I’m sorry, but Freddy Krueger and his night time shenanigans freaked me the fuck out!

Horror movies were very popular when I was a kid. Friday the 13th, Halloween, Faces of Death, there were so many, but none of the killers was creepier to me than Fred. A person could feasibly outrun Jason or not have sex in the creepy cabin or walk outside in your underpants to avoid being killed by most of the serial killers, but Freddy got you when you fell asleep! How do you avoid that??

This is certainly not an exhaustive list of my childhood fears. Being killed by a rabid St. Bernad dog, struck by lightning or killed by a tornado or choking were just a few more of the perfectly reasonable threats to my life back in the day.

Of course today, I realize that many of those fears were irrational and silly.

Apparently, I should have been more worried about sleeping on my stomach as a baby, the lead paint on our walls or the fact that not drinking while driving and seatbelts were for pansies back in the late 70’s.

Now that I’m an adult, I see that I’m more likely to die of a fractured neck upon tripping over a Lego or Matchbox car, or via my heart exploding from eating too much bacon.

What were your irrational child fears? Were they irrational at all? Do you still fear them?

Posted in Humor, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , | 93 Comments